Written by Samantha Carter
Having grown up in a strict Orthodox community, Jason felt the pressure to conform to the version of himself he believed God would accept and love. At the same time, he was grappling with trauma he had yet to fully understand. When Jason found himself unable to accomplish the impossible task of measuring up to the expectations of his religion, he turned to drugs and alcohol to cope.
After many years of “functional” addiction, Jason finally reached a breaking point that led him to healing at the All Points North Lodge. To learn more about Jason’s unique religious trauma, addiction, and recovery journey, check out the full APN podcast episode, Finding Myself After Religious Trauma: Recovery x Jason, or continue reading the article below.
Growing Up Orthodox
For Jason, being raised Jewish Orthodox came with some challenges he didn’t discover until later in life.
“My family’s Orthodox, so addiction wasn’t really talked about … at least where I grew up,” Jason said. “People that were suffering with addiction just kind of swept it under the rug, so I had a run of 5/6 years where I just didn’t understand that I was addicted to drugs.”
Addiction wasn’t the only thing that Jason remained unaware of.
“I went through an immense amount of trauma in my childhood and I didn’t even know,” Jason said. “I couldn’t figure out what was wrong.”
These unresolved traumas and emotions only seemed to further fuel Jason’s desire to use.
“The environment itself just contributed to me feeling completely unworthy of anything because it’s all conditional worthiness. You know?” Jason said. “I know that’s not the actual context of the religion but it’s taken out of proportion … I would suffer silently back then because I didn’t trust anyone.”
It was only later when Jason sought treatment that he would finally understand the issues he’d been facing.
“I learned so much [at APN] about what my trauma was—from the endless amount of religious trauma [to] family trauma, sexual trauma, [and more],” Jason said. “All these things were just sitting there. They had nowhere to go, and I was thinking, Hey, the pill will do the job. The pills will do the job for me today. And it just did.”
The Breaking Point
The pills did their job until they didn’t.
“At a certain point when Covid hit … it was getting bad,” Jason said. “Every few weeks I was ending up in the hospital because [of] withdrawals, [but] again, I didn’t even know. Like meetings, I didn’t know [about]. Treatment. I didn’t know any of it. [But] I was at a point where I needed help big time.”
Things continued to escalate for Jason.
“[During] Passover, we were … sitting down and I had this moment of [thinking], I need to stop or I’m going to die,” Jason said. “I was just physically nothing. Like, there was nothing there. Emotionally, [there was] nothing either. And I had this moment of [knowing I needed help].”
Fortunately, Jason decided to act on his inkling.
“My brother was like, ‘Hey, I have a friend who’s in recovery. Talk to him. See what he thinks.’ And he connected me with [him],” Jason said. “That was the first time in my life that I ever had a conversation with someone that literally was able to paint out my entire past because he also grew up Orthodox. But besides that – just from the addiction standpoint – to understand I’m not crazy, [that] the obsession and the crazy things we do is kind of normal. Like, look at what you went through. Look at the trauma that’s there. And I was like, ‘What’s trauma?’ … So he connected me [with APN and] I got here pretty quick after that.”
A Moment of Panic and the Relief of Hope
Luckily for Jason, everyone in his family, including his spouse, was extremely supportive of his decision to seek treatment. Still, he almost didn’t make it to the treatment facility because he was so scared.
“So I got on a flight to come here and I land in Denver. I get off the plane and I’m like, Fuck no. I’m not doing this. And I literally booked the flight back,” Jason said. “I think it was the same day [and] I sat in the terminal for like three hours … I spoke with some family members [who helped talk me into] driving up here … I didn’t know what to expect … I initially always thought that [rehab] was for people on, you know, needles and stuff like that, [so] I was bugging out.”
When Jason finally made it to the lodge, his fears began to dissipate as they were, instead, replaced with hope.
“[So they] take me to the room because it was during Covid, so we had [to] quarantine for seven days,” Jason said. “I was losing my shit. I was crying. I was like, ‘I’m getting out of here.’ And the nurse, Michelle, just came in and calmed me down. She’s awesome. I’m super grateful for her because I wouldn’t have stayed if not for her. It was just a calming [sense like] you’re gonna be okay. And that’s when it kind of started for me. It was this underlying feeling of, Hey, I have hope … whatever this is, let’s figure it out.”
Before long, Jason would realize there were many other reasons to feel hope in this new environment.
“It was really nice to see other Orthodox people [at APN] because there was automatically something to relate to,” Jason said. “I think the first week and just sharing and being like, I don’t have to suffer this anymore, and not getting responses from people like, ‘What’s wrong with you?’ and having everyone relate to it—that was something super healing.”
Unmasking the Emotions & Learning His Own Story
As Jason continued to immerse himself in the healing process, he learned a lot about his emotions and his story.
“My first project was the mask, and I was like, Oh, I’m hiding a lot here,” Jason said. “On the outside you were supposed to show what you try to portray to people and mine was just this shield. I didn’t let anyone in … I was operating completely off trauma and survival mode all the time. [It was] a big process for me to get vulnerable and share my story … because I didn’t know it.”
Having literally no experience with this type of healing work, Jason found the guidance he was given at APN to be exactly what he needed to start on the road to restoration.
“As a client, you may [not] really know where to look and what to start,” Jason said. “[But they] kind of chop [things] down one by one and they guided me perfectly. It was amazing. The group was run so well.”
Not only did Jason previously not know what trauma was, but he also didn’t know what true healing felt like. After coming to APN, that was all going to change.
“I remember doing [the trauma egg assignment] and feeling super vulnerable,” Jason said. “It was obviously a lot of tears because it’s the first time you’re talking about this stuff—stuff that we just bury until you’re starting to think about it like, Holy shit. That happened. So when the group was ending, Mark and Arlene … told everyone to get behind me. I was standing in the front [with] everybody behind me and they wanted everyone to scream because everyone was so angry about a lot of injustice. I literally felt people’s energy just go through me and it was one of those moments where you’re not alone. It was probably one of the most memorable moments that I had here because it was the first time where people really justified [that] this was wrong … and it was just a beautiful moment.”
Developing Healthier Relationships & Learning How to Set Boundaries
Not only did Jason learn about trauma healing at the All Points North Lodge while in treatment for addiction recovery, but he also learned how to have healthier relationships and boundaries.
“I was coming from a place where my relationships were just with either people who wanted drugs from me or people that were enabling me to do this stuff,” Jason said. “It was never really deep relationships. Having those relationships [at APN] – and I still have them today – were by far what kept me going.”
Today, Jason still speaks to many of the people he met during treatment on a daily basis. Some of them have even become like family.
“I had [an APN friend] fly in [here] when we had a baby and he’s like family,” Jason said. “He’s been there for me and my wife in ways that [are] very hard to describe.”
As Jason began to forge healthier bonds, he also learned how to set boundaries in other relationships that were potentially harmful to him.
“I think one thing that was very apparent when I was here was that boundaries need to be set with certain people,” Jason said. “If people you’re setting boundaries with don’t respect them and kick them down and do all those things, that puts you in danger to go back to where you were. And that’s not blaming those people … I’m a big believer that nobody can make me pick up drugs, but there’s certainly things that can bring me closer.”
While setting boundaries isn’t something that other people always understand, Jason learned that it was paramount for his recovery.
“We have to put our recovery first,” Jason said. “I think people sometimes get confused with that being selfish and it’s not selfish. Like, if I wouldn’t do it, then it’s selfish because I’d be dead. I’d be dead, and then what happens to my wife and my kids?”
As Jason began saying goodbye to relationships that no longer served him, he was also greeted with new ones that were in alignment with his healing journey.
“One thing I did when I left here with the people that I got closest to was a daily check-in going on a year and a half,” Jason said. “We would call each other every morning, do a reading, and share on it. That kind of set up my day … because at the end of the day, you can go to treatment and you can do all the work, but if you decide to not continue that process, you’re going to be back.”
Speaking On Religious Guilt and Trauma
Because religious trauma was such a huge part of Jason’s story, he opened up about what unveiling these realities has been like for him.
“There’s so much religious guilt that goes into getting healthy,” Jason said. “For people that have come from religious backgrounds, [it can be difficult] because a lot of it is all or nothing. Some families are definitely more accepting than others and some aren’t. Some families will be like, ‘It’s us or religion. Pick.’”
Jason reflected on how his religious trauma affected the way he viewed himself and how he’s healing this wound.
“There’s real feelings of unworthiness because [we grew up believing] God’s [love was] conditional,” Jason said. “It is to hard to have a spiritual life if you don’t have a clear understanding that God doesn’t hate you if you eat bacon today. He doesn’t hate you if you put your finger on a girl’s hand. Like, you’re okay.”
Now, Jason uses his experiences to help others who may have undergone similar traumas.
“Being [at APN] and finally seeing that I’m not crazy and I’m not alone [has been so healing],” Jason said. “I am an advocate – big time – within the Jewish Community about helping people … I’m in a bunch of recovery groups in Florida that are Jewish-run and most of us have the same shit and it’s kind of scary. But at the same time, we could make a big difference by speaking up about it.”
Jason doesn’t just speak up about these issues in recovery groups. He also spreads awareness to local youth in his area.
“I went to a high school once in Florida. They asked me to speak there about addiction, and this school was for kids that weren’t fitting into that classic Orthodox system,” Jason said. “[With] probably 40 kids in the room I said, ‘You guys are all worthy simply because you’re human.’ And I could literally see people’s eyes open and a little bit of a head lift because they’re not taught that. It’s not unconditional love, [so] you don’t feel good about yourself a lot of the time.”
Just because Jason experienced religious trauma throughout his life does not mean he no longer has a connection to his faith.
“Today, I don’t consider myself Orthodox. I don’t consider myself anything,” Jason said. “But I’m Jewish, and I’m proud of that. And I want my connection to be with God to be genuine … it took me a couple years being in recovery to finally be at a place where I can have a conversation with God.”
Now, Jason uses what he’s learned to pave a brighter example for his children.
“We raise our kids and we do it in a way of understanding that love and God are not conditional upon anything except for you being a human, and if anyone else tells you differently … bye,” Jason said. “You know, that’s what we’ve had to do because it’s so powerful to get back into that kind of mindset. So we literally have that mentality and it’s a journey, for sure. It certainly is hard when you live in a Jewish community … most people in the Orthodox community don’t have tattoos [like me]. But, hey, I’m different and if you don’t like it, cool.”
It’s a Journey, Not a Destination
As Jason highlighted, overcoming his religious trauma along with his addiction recovery has been nothing short of a journey.
“If someone comes [to APN] and you put in your all and you continue that, when you leave it changes your life,” Jason said. “You got to keep the work up … it’s not an easy road. It’s just a start, but you got to continue it.”
After many years of having his issues “swept under the rug,” Jason is now honest with himself about where he’s at and the struggles he continues to face.
“There are certain things that are really difficult within addiction,” Jason said. “Thankfully, the cravings for the drugs are very light because I constantly work on that. But it’s the other stuff. You know? It’s this selfishness and the self-centered behavior—all that stuff: the shame and the guilt. It’s hard. But that’s why you have support and you have people around you … you still struggle when you get back and it’s not always pretty.”
Even though it’s not always pretty, it’s worth it, and Jason is living proof of that.
If you’re interested in learning more about All Points North and our addiction, trauma, and mental health recovery programs, submit our confidential contact form or call us at 855.934.1178 today. You never know how good your life can get when you allow yourself to receive the gifts of sobriety and healing.
More From Jason
Listen and watch the Jason’s episode of Recovery x APN below, and find more episodes on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Podcasts.
