Written by Samantha Carter
Elliott had been sober for nearly ten years when he decided to come to APN for long-term recovery treatment. While he had taken away the drugs and alcohol from his life – and even worked in an addiction treatment center – Elliott had yet to face the trauma of his past, resulting in mental and emotional burnout.
After staying at APN two separate times (all while remaining sober before, in between, and after admission), Elliott is finally able to reap the rewards of his hard work. On his APN podcast episode, My Addictions Were a Symptom of Trauma: Recovery x Elliott, Elliott opens up about his personal healing journey along with some life lessons he’d like to share with others. Find out more, by reading the article below or checking out the full podcast on our Youtube channel.
A Recovery Professional From a Family of Addicts
Elliott certainly didn’t get an easy start to life.
“I grew up in a family where both my parents were addicts,” Elliott said. “My mom died of an overdose when I was 20. My dad died [from an overdose as well] about two years before me coming to APN … so my childhood was very chaotic … Every kind of child-related trauma you could have is a part of my story. [Then, when I was 26, I got sober]. I just kind of hit the ground running trying to take care of me and change.”
For most people, getting sober comes with a lot of love, support, and gratitude from their family and friends. However, this was not the case for Elliott.
“My family wasn’t trying to get better,” Elliott said. “At the time, I was actually kind of the black sheep for being in recovery.”
With no one to look to for guidance, Elliott decided to forge his own path. Recovery became such a big part of his journey that he started working as a recovery professional himself.
Coming to Recovery Treatment Sober
Fast forward almost ten years and Elliott found himself in an impossible situation.
“Everybody knows I’m a person in long-term recovery. I’m coming up on 10 years sober in December,” Elliott said. “I [continued to have] a lot of mental health issues come up [that] I had never dealt with, [including] trauma … I had a lot of anxiety [and] panic attacks [so] I reached out for help to one of the original [APN] members … I was the second patient [at APN] ever and I didn’t know what it was going to be like. I was half ashamed of myself because I [was a person with] long-term recovery who needed to go to treatment … I didn’t know how people would look at me for that.”
Even though Elliott grappled with self-shame and blame, he still decided to take the courageous step to seek help.
“It was chaos in my head,” Elliott said. “I really wanted to be normal but [I knew I had] a lot of trauma. That’s the bottom line.”
With this new understanding, Elliott could finally begin to heal what had been neglected inside him for so long.
The Mental Health Professional Who Was Blown Away By APN’s Mental Health Services
As a mental health and addiction recovery professional himself, Elliott was blown away by the services offered at APN.
“I was really lucky both times I was in APN,” Elliott said. “I had this group of people here with me also getting well that wanted to get better, so it made our process groups that much better … we held each other accountable to do the work that we were set out to do.”
Not only did the other group members have a profound impact on Elliott’s healing journey, but he was also in awe of APN therapists.
“My therapist was Lana and she pretty much changed my life,” Elliott said. “I didn’t know that trauma therapy could be so intensive and get so much out of you … When I began to do this trauma work, I didn’t realize just how much there was to unpack … I probably would have lied and been like, ‘Oh I’m just a normal guy. My family … did their best.’”
Overcoming the Stigma and Being Honest About the Struggle
One thing Elliott had to overcome in his trauma-healing journey was rejecting any stigma that might have been associated with his actions.
“The thing is, I’m not a slouch in recovery,” Elliott said. “I’m leading meetings. I’m sponsoring guys. I’m doing this stuff … Sadly, there is a stigma that exists in these subgroups [where] you can be stigmatized for needing additional stuff. Another fear I had was: When I go to mental health trauma treatment, are people going to think I relapsed? Is it going to be hard to come back from that and prove that I didn’t actually relapse? The reality is, yes, that did happen. [But] I realized I had to surrender my whole entire life as I knew it and start over.”
Elliott knew that if he didn’t surrender, he could have had a completely different ending to his story.
“This surrender was like, I need help or this is going to ruin the rest of my life,” Elliott said. “[I didn’t realize how much trauma work] was going to help … with my character defects and everything like that, but it really does. When you do this additional work on yourself outside of just like the rooms and stuff, it’s a game changer for your whole outlook on everything.”
Even though stigma and shame was a part of Elliott’s story, he didn’t let it define him.
“When I surrendered to come to APN, I had to throw all that away,” Elliott said. “Like, whatever. If it works, it works. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. And if people think something about me I don’t care anymore … At least I had a couple people in my court that were gonna support me and know the truth about why I came.”
Falling Off Track
After leaving APN for the first time, Elliott found himself falling back into several of his self-deprecating habits.
“So I left APN [and you’re not] supposed to enter into a relationship or start dating too quickly, [but I did],” Elliott said. “The only thing I did was start going to therapy immediately after getting home. [Then], I [met] a girl [and] I started a relationship within a week [of leaving treatment] … I was definitely not in the right place … Time went on and I kept up with therapy a little bit, but I kept cutting it down to save money and eventually [just stopped altogether] … My work addiction was at an all-time high. I was sleeping about three hours a night [and eventually I cracked].”
After reaching his rock bottom, Elliott realized how much he was trading one addiction for another.
“You would think nothing of it unless you hit a bottom. You know?” Elliott said. “You get pats on the back for working hard. You get raises … But I burnt out big time. I went into a state of panic attacks, anxiety, regular nightmares … I won this big award in my county for being a servant of the county [but] I [was] having a panic attack the whole time [and] nobody knew … Everyday I’d be crippled by anxiety, just laying on the ground … practically ripping my hair out or playing the same video game over and over again trying to stop my head from racing.”
Coming Back to APN and Doing Things Differently Post-Treatment
Elliott knew he couldn’t continue on like this, so he decided to seek treatment for the second time at APN. Fortunately, he was greeted with the love and support he needed.
“Every staff member that was here when I first came … made it a point to see me within my first or second day here,” Elliott said. “They gave me a hug. They sat down with me. It was like having a one-on-one with every CA / case manager / admissions person that I knew … it really made me feel like that much more grateful to be back.”
The second time around, Elliott was able to dive even deeper into his trauma healing. Most importantly, he walked away with a clearer understanding of his aftercare needs.
“[After leaving APN for the second time I was doing] telehealth [and] IOP,” Elliott said. “I was doing groups. I did a mindfulness [course and] regular therapy once a week … I did that pretty strong for my first 60-90 days out of here [and] I just made it a priority when I got back home. Luckily, I’m blessed to have a job that kind of knew the nature of what I had been experiencing and they gave me a break [and] gave me time to really make that stuff a priority in my life.”
Today, Elliott has a lot more tools to support him when life gets hard.
“Now [I have this] understanding that my recovery is kind of three-fold,” Elliott said. “It’s grounded in 12 steps, grounded in God, [and] grounded in trauma work. That has literally been my focus since I’ve been out of treatment … I’m telling you this year has been the kind of year where I see the purpose of it and I see so many people in recovery struggle with mental health stuff [who] are afraid to ask for help. Now that I get to be open with this part of my story more people have reached out to me in recovery [for guidance].”
Elliott’s Lessons Learned
Elliott’s story is truly unique. With both parents having suffered and succumbed to addiction, he knew he didn’t want to end up the same. Still, after years of sobriety and even working in the recovery field, Elliott found himself struggling with the same things that led him to pick up the substances in the first place. Now that he’s finally taken the time to tend to his deep inner wounds, he has some valuable lessons to share with others.
“You have to be willing to do the work while you’re here,” Elliott said. “You’re not gonna get anything out of just sitting there [and] attending something … I think some people think they go to treatment and treatment just makes them better. Like, just the physical act of going to a treatment center is what makes them better. Go to a doctor. I get a pill … I’m good. I just take this pill. I’m good. You know? That’s just simply not the case. It’s about the effort that we put into getting better.”
As Elliott learned from personal experience, doing the work isn’t easy.
“[When you’re in treatment], there’s topics that are hard that come up and you want to not say anything,” Elliott said. “But if you have an inkling that you need to say it, you need to get it off your chest. And if you do, it’s gonna make it that much better in the long run.”
Also, just because you put in the work once, doesn’t mean it has somehow magically stopped.
“I believe my primary thing that I need to continue to work on for the rest of my life is my trauma,” Elliott said. “If I don’t come to grips with the reality that I’m going to need to continue to work on this for the rest of my life, then I might slip back into those trauma responses or the things that I [use to] cope.”
Even though it can seem daunting to look at our struggles in this long-term way, Elliott has come to understand that this is just a part of his story, and not who he truly is.
“We have a story but we are not our story,” Elliott said. “We might have a past but it doesn’t define who we actually are. That’s helped me step outside of being ashamed of myself or self-hate … there’s still the days when I’m like, Ah. It’s tough … But then there’s just days where I’m like, You know man – you are not like how you used to be and you should be proud.”
Elliott serves as an inspiring reminder that the work never ends, but there’s always something to be proud of if you keep showing up.
If you’re interested in learning more about All Points North and our addiction, trauma, and mental health recovery programs, submit our confidential contact form or call us at 855.934.1178 today. You never know how good your life can get when you allow yourself to receive the gifts of sobriety and healing.
More From Elliott
Listen and watch the Elliott’s episode of Recovery x APN below, and find more episodes on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Podcasts.
