Growing up in a close family where you feel comfortable and supported for just being yourself is a wonderful thing. All families are different and have different ways of interacting with each other. Some of those dynamics are healthier than others.
An enmeshed family system makes it difficult for children to emotionally separate from their families and become independent people. Families who are too close may be emotionally enmeshed without realizing it.
What is an Enmeshed Family?
There are many benefits to having strong bonds with family members. The memories you make with parents and siblings over a lifetime are irreplaceable, and so is the unconditional love of family. However, enmeshment goes beyond closeness.
In an enmeshed family, parents often control their children through emotional manipulation. This control can last well into adulthood. This can happen because parents are so reliant on their children for emotional support that they consciously or subconsciously prevent them from achieving personal growth.
Signs of Enmeshment
Enmeshment is marked by a lack of boundaries. Many families have difficulty establishing healthy boundaries, but an enmeshed family’s lack of boundaries is so severe it can lead to confusion over family roles and expectations.
Some of the common signs of enmeshment include:
- You feel it’s appropriate to give up your own goals if your parents don’t approve of them
- Your parents measure their self-worth by the successes of their children
- You always put the needs of others before your own
- If you try to assert any independence, your parents make you feel guilty or ashamed
- You don’t have secrets from your parents
- You feel responsible for the happiness of others
- Your parents treat you more like a friend than a child and look to you for emotional support
- Your parents share inappropriate information with you and/or your siblings
- Your parents want to know every detail of your life, including ones that should be private
Enmeshment can manifest in different ways, but if you feel an overwhelming sense of obligation to your parents or believe you don’t have a right to privacy, you may have grown up in an enmeshed family.
The Causes of Enmeshment
Like most dysfunctional family dynamics, enmeshment is typically passed from one generation to the next. Even when they are unhealthy, people tend to create the same type of family they grew up in because it is familiar.
Enmeshment is thought to originate when a child has a serious illness, including mental illness and addiction. It can also happen when a child survives a life-threatening trauma. In these frightening situations, it is natural for parents to become overprotective.
While overprotective behaviors are understandable in some cases, they can become a habit that continues long after they are no longer needed.
The events that led to your family’s enmeshment may or may not have happened in your lifetime. Older generations often pass down dysfunctional habits from one generation to the next. It may not be possible to pinpoint why your family has become enmeshed, only that they are.
An Enmeshed Family vs. a Close Family
Most parents will spend any amount of time, money, and energy to strengthen family connections and build a deep sense of belonging among family members. These strong bonds build a support system that allows grown children to go out into the world and pursue their individual goals. In an enmeshed family, children are expected to meet their parents’ goals, not their own.
In a close family, members offer emotional support when needed, but they also give one another space. No one is expected to meet another family member’s emotional needs as they are in an enmeshed system.
Most families have expectations for children to do chores and take some responsibility for the running of the household. This not only teaches kids important life skills but also helps them build self-esteem. Children who contribute to the mutual chores feel a sense of pride and satisfaction.
When a family is enmeshed, the children might be expected to provide all the cooking and cleaning for the family. Chores and other responsibilities cut into study time or time with friends. Serving the family is viewed not just as a priority but as the child’s absolute obligation.
Close families can be very involved in one another’s lives while still maintaining healthy boundaries. The members of an enmeshed family don’t have boundaries. Children aren’t allowed to say no to their parents or create an identity outside of the family unit, and parents depend heavily on their children for their own sense of success.
The Long-Term Impact of Enmeshment
Being raised in an enmeshed family system isn’t easy for children, but the effects of the dysfunction don’t stop in childhood. The impact of enmeshment can be seen throughout an adult’s life if they don’t take the steps to heal.
No Room for Other Relationships
When family members are connected in unhealthy ways, it is difficult to form healthy relationships with other people. New friends or potential life partners get pushed aside when the needs of parents or others in the family need attention.
An enmeshed parent can also put pressure on relationships when they don’t approve of a person. They may influence their grown child to stop seeing the other person or make things so difficult the relationship breaks under scrutiny.
Living With Constant Self-Blame
Enmeshed family members can be so connected that members blame themselves for any unhappiness or failure of another member. For example, in a healthy family, when an adult child moves far away, members might feel sad and miss the person but also happy that their loved one is pursuing their dreams.
In an enmeshed family, even the thought of moving can fill a person with shame. Adult children blame themselves for any unhappiness their parents or siblings might experience. This level of self-blame extends beyond just family. Feeling guilty anytime anything goes wrong at work or in social circles is typical among those who’ve grown up in an enmeshed system.
Not Pursuing Personal Goals
When there are no boundaries in a family, it’s easy to mistake a parent’s goals for your own. Adult children from enmeshed families might be pressured into pursuing careers, relationships, or activities that their parents want, or they may pursue those goals without ever questioning the source.
Poor Self-Esteem
Trying new things and overcoming challenges is part of how humans build self-esteem. People from an enmeshed family are typically discouraged from trying new things.
Failure isn’t seen as a learning experience but as something to be completely avoided. Enmeshed parents may be trying to protect their children from being hurt or they might be protecting their own self-worth by not having a child that failed. Either way, low self-esteem can lead to serious mental health concerns like depression and anxiety.
Repeating Unhealthy Patterns
Without support, people from enmeshed families are likely to repeat the same patterns they grew up with. They may choose partners who don’t respect boundaries or partners who use guilt and manipulation to get their way.
Being placed in the caretaker role is familiar for those raised in enmeshment. They may struggle with co-dependence issues or enable partners with substance use disorders.
Ending the Cycle of Enmeshment
It is never too late to end unhealthy cycles. Even if you already have children and are passing down enmeshment patterns, you can learn how to foster healthy relationships with your family members.
Breaking free from dysfunctional patterns may require the help of a mental health professional. Targeted therapies like cognitive-behavioral therapy and dialectical behavior therapy can help you identify unhelpful behaviors and learn how to replace them with behaviors that build your self-esteem and support your independence.
If they are willing, attending therapy with family members is ideal. When an enmeshed family is willing to work together to learn healthy ways of communication, everyone benefits.
Many parents don’t realize they are doing anything “wrong” or potentially harmful to themselves and their children. They are simply replaying the same types of family dynamics they grew up in.
Even if only some or none of your family members are interested in going with you, therapy can be extremely effective in helping you learn how to establish boundaries and explore the person you genuinely are — not the person your family expects you to be.
Tips for Ending Enmeshment
There are many things you can do today to end the dysfunctional cycle of enmeshment. Start by learning how to set and protect personal boundaries. Think about the times you have felt guilty, resentful, or unappreciated by your family. These are likely times when boundaries have been violated.
Consider this scenario as a boundary violation example: “I got angry when my mother asked me to help her in the garden because she knew I had planned to study all day for my real estate license test. She began to complain about her back pain when I said I was busy. I felt guilty, so I went to help her instead of studying.”
A person with a clear boundary might have told their mother, “No, I can’t garden. Remember, I told you I was studying today?” Or they might have struck a compromise such as, “I need time to study. I can help for two hours if you take the kids tonight so I can get my work done.”
Both are examples of protecting your needs and not allowing someone else’s dysfunction to sabotage your success.
Other tips for ending enmeshment include:
- Engage in activities that increase your self-esteem
- Cultivate your own interests by going to the church you like, studying the subject you’re passionate about, and spending time with the friends you have chosen
- Avoid making decisions based on guilt
- Make an effort to do things without your family
- Make a list of your strengths and remind yourself about them as often as needed
- Seek counseling to help change negative thinking patterns
- Spend time with people you admire, and think about the traits that draw you to them
- Try new things even if you think you might fail
- Encourage independence in your own children
- Create an identity that is separate from your children
- Learn how to say “no” without excuses or apologies
Breaking free from enmeshment isn’t fast or easy. It may take a lot of time to learn new, healthy habits. Becoming healthy in a family of people with dysfunctional habits is certain to cause friction. Be prepared for pushback from parents and siblings as you begin to set boundaries and assert your independence.
Protecting Your Mental Health Is Good for Everyone
Taking actions that support your mental health helps your entire family in the long run. Other family members may see that the world doesn’t end if they pursue a personal goal or enter a relationship their parents don’t approve of.
Growing up in an enmeshed family can have long-lasting consequences, but you can overcome the negative impact with the right support. Take the next step to improve your mental health by submitting our confidential contact form or calling All Points North at 855.934.1178.
References
- Martin, Sharon. “The Enmeshed Family System: What It Is and How to Break Free.” Psych Central, Psych Central, 26 July 2023, psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2019/05/the-enmeshed-family-system-what-it-is-and-how-to-break-free#What-causes-enmeshment?
