Written by Samantha Carter
Marcus Smith II, a former NFL linebacker and defensive end, is known for his athletic versatility and strong defensive skills. Drafted in 2014 by the Philadelphia Eagles, Smith’s career spanned several teams, including the Seattle Seahawks and the Washington Commanders. Although he faced different challenges throughout his NFL career, Smith demonstrated resilience and adaptability in the face of adversity, contributing notably in rotational defensive roles.
However, what’s even more impressive is the strength that Marcus demonstrated outside of the game. When football was no longer his world, he was forced to face the overwhelming depression and anxiety that had been haunting him for years. After nearly taking his own life, Marcus opened up about his healing journey that led him to be a leader in the mental health sphere. Learn more about Marcus’ story in the All Points North (APN) podcast episode, Finding Identity Outside of Football and Depression: Recovery x Marcus Smith II, or continue reading the article below.
Building Tension and Wanting to End It All
Oftentimes, people are so focused on achieving high, lofty goals that they overlook the challenges that can come from those successes. This was certainly the case for Marcus.
“I was drafted by the Philadelphia Eagles in the first round,” Marcus said. “Nobody in my family ever reached that highest pinnacle of their career so … I never had anyone to actually talk to about what I was gonna deal with being a pro.”
Being in the limelight certainly comes with its own set of unique challenges. However, when you add in mental illness on top of that, things can quickly become overwhelming.
“I was dealing with anxiety and depression for a long time before I actually knew what it was,” Marcus said. “A lot of us who play football go through these things every year … because we’re trying to do our best for the coaches. We’re trying to be our very best to get another contract and things of that nature, but we drive ourselves crazy doing it. It’s a wear and tear on our brains.”
Trying to keep up with the demands of professional football while battling a disease he knew nothing about proved to be unmanageable. When his career ended in 2018, it was the perfect catalyst for all his internal struggles to finally erupt.
“In 2018 I had a scare in which I tried to end my own life,” Marcus said. “I didn’t care about anything else. I didn’t know what was wrong with me and I just felt like no one could help me. I used to tell my wife like, ‘You know, I don’t know what this is but I don’t want to deal with this pain anymore.’”
Marcus went on to describe his last suicide attempt that was miraculously interrupted by both his wife and mother-in-law.
“I [was] about to drive off this cliff and as I’m driving my wife calls me,” Marcus said. “I jerked the car back out of frustration and fear, trying to rush her off the phone to actually do what I had set out to do that morning when I woke up. So I finally get off the phone … and then I try to do it again [when] my mother-in-law calls me. So I jerked the car back out of frustration again and I’m like, ‘God – what is going on?’ But that was just God [saying], ‘Hey, you have a bigger [purpose].’ … By the time I was done talking to my mother-in-law, I was at the bottom of the hill and that’s when I realized, oh man, what did I just do? … So I walked away after that and then I went to seek therapy.”
While that moment in 2018 could have been Marcus’ end, he chose a new beginning instead, therapy being merely the start of it.
Time and Space to Heal
However, as time went on, Marcus realized that he needed more than just therapy to truly heal.
“A couple years had passed [and] it was 2020. I was doing therapy every now and again and I felt like I just wasn’t getting anywhere,” Marcus said. “I never gave myself a chance to sit down and look at [the fact that I wasn’t in] the league anymore … I just tried to jump into everything because I didn’t want to go broke. I didn’t want to be one of the statistics [so] I never gave myself that time.”
Continuing to press on, Marcus’ feelings kept getting louder and louder until he couldn’t put them on the back burner any longer.
“You just get back into old habits and then you just feel like you’re not worth anything because you don’t have the sport anymore,” Marcus said. “It’s like I didn’t have any true identity … I was very irritable not knowing why I [was] irritable. [I was] so used to putting my hands on people because I played defense [but I couldn’t] use that aggression anymore so I [had] to figure out a way to channel that somewhere else.”
Never having been to treatment before, Marcus decided to give it a try after one of his friends recommended All Points North Lodge.
“[An] old teammate told me about APN and I was just blown away … I got the opportunity to come out here for 30 days. I had to leave my kids and it was the hardest thing for me to do, but I wanted to heal.”
Coming to APN and Getting to Know the Real Marcus
When Marcus came to APN, he wasn’t sure about a lot of things. But, through the process of his mental health treatment, he learned things about himself that would help him throughout his life.
“APN is an amazing place,” Marcus said. “[For] athletes and the general population, this is a place where you come to get healing and you can leave feeling amazing about yourself. Before I got here, I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know who the real Marcus Smith was. All I knew was the shield that was in front of me and the helmet that I wore.”
Because his shield and helmet was all he previously knew, it took Marcus some time to warm up to letting his guard down, a necessary prerequisite to healing.
“When I got off the plane … I wasn’t really ready to open up,” Marcus said. “I didn’t know how to. I was gonna come in and you know maybe be the quiet guy, just like listen and observe. But when I got here and [saw] how nice everyone was and how the camaraderie was, when I stepped in and [saw] other people having conversations and talking about some of the same stuff that I’m dealing with, I’m like, I can’t be quiet anymore. Like, I got to get this off of me because I’m just gonna sit here and rot.”
Before long, Marcus found himself fully immersed in the process.
“I was able to get [out] all of the things that were deeply embedded in me … that I [hadn’t] talked about in years – [things] that I forgot [were] even there,” Marcus said. “[I was] walking around with [a] 1,000 pound brick that [I got to] drop. It felt like a weight [was] lifted …I never [cried] so much in my life [but] it was the best thing ever.”
Locker Room Friendships
Being fully invested in such a vulnerable process, Marcus was able to connect with other people at APN in lifechanging ways.
“I have a couple [good friends from APN] – well more than a couple, actually – that I talk to weekly,” Marcus said. “We didn’t know that a lot of us were kind of like dealing with the same things [even though] all of us have different stories. Seeing each other share sparked a lot of friendships and [it’s] something that can never be broken. It’s almost like being in the locker room with the guys, but it’s different now. We’re not all on edge. We’re vulnerable and we’re trying to help one another.”
As a previous NFL player, these friendships allowed him to feel human again, connecting with others in truly meaningful ways as opposed to feeling like a commodity to someone else.
“It was the first time in a long time that I felt like I was [an] actual human being,” Marcus said. “You know, nobody addressed me as Marcus Smith [who] played for the Eagles. [I was just me].”
Integration Into “Real Life”
As anyone who goes to treatment knows, the program is only the first part of the healing process. The real test comes when you leave treatment itself.
“They told us once we left APN [and] get back into the real world, it’s not as easy as people think,” Marcus said. “The things that you do learn, you’re gonna have to apply them right away. So [some] of the things that I learned [were] positive self-talk and breathing exercises and meditation … I had to practice those things. I also continued therapy … ultimately, I learned that [my challenges are] not going to go away [and that] this is a journey. It’s something [I’m] gonna have to face and continue to conquer each and every day.”
As Marcus learned at APN, healing doesn’t mean healed and that’s OK.
“When I got home, it was tough at first. But I wanted to make sure that I applied everything … that’s the process that I’m still on today – just continue therapy and stay above water, even-keel … the tools that they give you here … really work [if you actually apply them].”
From Pain to Purpose
For Marcus, part of his healing journey was transforming his pain into purpose by helping other people who may have experienced similar challenges. That’s why he started the The Circle of “M” podcast where he breaks down stigma about mental health by sharing other people’s stories and connection to the cause.
“I started [the podcast] after [coming to] APN,” Marcus said. “I noticed that people were struggling [but] we were struggling together. We were coming together for our common cause. Then I noticed people who haven’t come to APN who are actually doing this work. [Still], they are struggling and are afraid to talk about it. So what I did was I just created a safe place for athletes [and] entertainers to be able to come and speak about their different mental health journeys. It’s a 501c(3) and our job is to unmask the feelings that cause anxiety, depression, [and other mental health disorders].”
Not only did Marcus better his own life, but he’s also helping others on their healing journeys, as well.
“Creating [these] safe places is very important because a lot of us – especially men – it’s just hard for us to talk about our feelings.”
While Marcus may have originally seen the end of his NFL career as the end of his life, we now see that it was really just the beginning. While his professional football career was certainly impressive, we believe that what he’s accomplished since will have an even greater impact.
If you’re interested in learning more about All Points North and our addiction, trauma, and mental health recovery programs, submit our confidential contact form or call us at 855.934.1178 today. You never know how good your life can get when you start a new chapter and leave the old one behind.
More From Marcus
Listen and watch Marcus’ episode of Recovery x APN below, and find more episodes on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Podcasts.
