Written by Samantha Carter
Caught in the grips of addiction, Ashley found herself unable to cope with life’s challenges any longer. After calling a family member for support, she learned of All Points North (APN) Lodge addiction and mental health recovery program. While it was not Ashley’s first time at a treatment center, coming to APN finally gave her the tools needed to turn her life around.
Now, Ashley’s speaking out about her story and how life has changed since leaving the lodge. To learn more about her journey, continue reading the article below or check out the full APN podcast episode, Treatment Gave Me Hope for a Better Life: Recovery x Ashley.
At Her Wits’ End
Like many people who face addiction and mental health problems, Ashley needed to hit rock bottom before she could start unfolding the life she was meant to live.
“[I’d] been struggling for a long time,” Ashley said. “This [was] not my first rodeo. APN’s [the] third [treatment center I’ve been to]. It had [gotten] to a point where I was hiding everything, like where I was going, who I was talking to, where my money was going. I even had a little refrigerator that I would hide things in. It was just the hiding and the lying to my husband and it got so bad [that] the chaos was overwhelming to the point where … I was at the end of it. I wanted to take my life.”
Fortunately, Ashley had the courage to pick up the phone and call someone she loved for help.
“I called one of my family members and I said, ‘I have no words. I don’t know what to do. I am at my wits’ end. Help me.’ And he said, ‘Do you have insurance? Do you got this amount of cash? Let’s go.’ I was literally on a plane the next day,” Ashley said.
However, before Ashley got to the treatment center, she decided to have one last hurrah.
“I was drinking at the airport and I remember telling the bartenders, ‘These are my last drinks. I’m going to rehab!’” Ashley said. “My husband had cut all the credit cards off because he knew what I was doing at the bar … so I couldn’t pay for my bar tab. [Then this woman] grabs my hands and she goes, ‘I heard you’re going to rehab. I paid for your tab. Once you get on that plane, I hope you come back a different person.’ And I think about her quite often … I could have been arrested [for] being as drunk as I was and being a flight risk … so I’m just thankful I was able to get here safely.”
Immersing Herself in the Process
When Ashley finally did make it to APN Lodge, she decided to go all in.
“I showed up to every class,” Ashley said. “I was present. I brought my DBT book even though it was a pain in my ass. Like, that class was hard for me. I overthink things and I’m just like, this doesn’t make sense. I have ADHD … I really took an interest in every class, even with art. Like what the fuck, am I doing art class? I like to be out and active and running, you know? [But] I embraced every aspect.”
Even though Ashley found herself immersed in some activities she wouldn’t typically engage in, she also had plenty of time to do the things that filled up her cup.
“We got a crew together [and] we went on hikes every morning at 6 am,” Ashley said. “[One night] we went up to the big house and went star watching. We made s’mores and saw some awesome animals up there. Every part I just took in.”
By surrendering to the process, Ashley was able to uncover some pivotal moments of insight.
“The [process] of being mindful and finding who you are – that authentic self – is just like, holy crap … I really embraced it all and I think it’s really important to [do] when you [come to] any recovery place … just be vulnerable, and be willing, be open and be honest with yourself. That’s really what I did because what I was doing was not working.”
APN Aftercare & Community Connection
After 72 days in treatment, it was finally time for Ashley to return to everyday life. However, she wasn’t going to be left hanging. As an APN alumni, Ashley would have access to a variety of long-term supports to utilize on her recovery journey.
“I’m still involved in the aftercare program at APN—the Zoom, the Living Sober,” Ashley said. “I still do family therapy with my husband [and] I have a personal therapist … Through these [meetings], I’ve met some wonderful people and it’s amazing to see their faces … I’m on a couple group chats with some previous clients here and [social media makes] it so easy to follow [their] stories and then just check in and say hi.”
Through all of these efforts, Ashley has learned the value of community support in recovery.
“Picking up the phone is easy,” Ashley said. “It’s been beautiful to keep connection and [see] what they’re doing. And if they’re having a bad day, they can pick up the phone because we do have similar issues … Where it may not be easy for me to pick up the phone and call my husband, I could pick up the phone and call somebody else that’s in the APN family and they understand completely.”
Setting Boundaries and Setting Up for Success
Another aspect of Ashley’s long-term recovery plan is to set boundaries and set herself up for success.
“If I don’t feel comfortable doing something [and] I know it’s going to present a hazard to my sobriety, I am in [a] position now [where] I’m like, I come first. I need to be selfish,” Ashley said. “I need to take a step back … I don’t need [to provide] an explanation to everybody—it’s not necessary. I need to put myself first. Maybe in a year or so, I’ll be able to do these things. It just takes time to create a safe space.”
Part of creating a safe space is preparing yourself for positive outcomes, as Ashley explains.
“You go into these situations in the long run that you’re prepared [for],” Ashley said. “If you do put yourself in a vulnerable situation, always have that exit plan. You know, I drive now. If my husband and I have to drive separately – because I’m not going to pull him away from fun – I’m gonna drive. I bring Bug, [my emotional support service dog]. I have [a] deterrent. I have something to focus on. I’ll leave two hours early … Preparing yourself and being proactive and in situations sounds like a lot, but in the end it’s so much easier than being drunk [and dealing] with the whole repercussions of having to apologize and pick up the pieces.”
Not only does Ashley prepare herself for events and occasions, but she also engages in healthy routines to better support her sobriety.
“[During my stay at APN], one of the NFL players [who was here] said, ‘You’d be really good at CrossFit,’” Ashley said. “So my plan was [to] find a CrossFit gym in my local area, which I did. I was there the next day … I literally took APN’s plan from the moment I woke up—getting my coffee, getting my green drink, going to the gym, the classes that we went to was [all] my work schedule … I literally took the APN schedule and routine and I transplanted it into Arizona into my home. Then, as I became more comfortable being home and having like the real-life surroundings, I started adding little things here and there.”
Just like Ashley was all in at APN, she’s been all in since returning home.
“I didn’t go to the grocery store for I don’t even know how long … because that liquor aisle is right there right when you walk in,” Ashley said. “[When I was ready], I made a point to let the guy know who I check out with [that] I don’t drink anymore … I posted on my social media all the time. I let everybody know and I think that holds me accountable … So like I did at APN, I hit the ground running … It wasn’t easy but it worked for me.”
Blips in the Brain
Just because Ashley had set herself up for success didn’t mean she didn’t have human moments every so often.
“[I remember thinking on] Thanksgiving … Yeah, a drink would be a good idea right now,” Ashley said. “I had gone to the store [with] Bug. [I] have her for a reason because she allows me to stay focused … And I looked at Bugger [and I said], ‘No it doesn’t. Nope. I’m here for stuffing.’ [Then I got what] I was there for and got in the car. I picked up the phone. I called my mom. I had a moment. I had one of those thoughts and it’s OK.”
Like anyone who engages in self-reflection, Ashley questioned if she was on the right path. However, with her support system’s help, she could accept and normalize her experience.
“[Sometimes I] question myself, Are those [thoughts] normal? Am I a bad person? Am I really living sobriety if I have those blips in the brain?” Ashley said. “But it is normal.”
Light at the End of the Tunnel
As Ashley’s interview was wrapping up, she had some parting words to share with her listeners.
“If I could just say one thing to anybody who’s struggling, who’s listening to this right now—don’t lose hope,” Ashley said. “The road is not at the end [as] I once thought it was. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that’s super cliche, but I thought I was going to lose my husband. I’m one of the lucky ones who didn’t. I didn’t lose my family or closest friends and I’ve just been blessed that people actually believe in me.”
Because Ashley put herself first by coming to treatment and going all in on her recovery journey, she’s been able to reap some high rewards.
“I told somebody today – one of the current clients – stay as long as you can,” Ashley said. “If finances warrant and your insurance warrant, stay as long as you can because it’s so important. It’s just a page in your life, you know? Your mental health and finding yourself and getting on that right path … is so important.”
If you’re interested in learning more about All Points North and our addiction, trauma, and mental health recovery programs, submit our confidential contact form or call us at 855.934.1178 today. You never know how good your life can get when you decide to go all in.
More From Ashley
Listen and watch Ashley’s episode of Recovery x APN below, and find more episodes on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Podcasts.
