Written by Samantha Carter
Turk McBride, a former athletic defensive lineman in the NFL, was known for his ability to play both defensive end and tackle. Drafted in the second round of 2007 by the Kansas City Chiefs, McBride spent six seasons in the league, also playing for the Detroit Lions, New Orleans Saints, and Chicago Bears. However, when his NFL career came to a close, he was forced to face one his biggest challenges yet—addressing his mental health issues head on.
When Turk first came to APN for healing, he was still stuck in his previous NFL-mindset: he didn’t believe there was strength in weakness. However, as Turk began to surrender to the process, he learned just how powerful and strong vulnerability really is.
In the APN podcast episode, I Had to Open Up About My Mental Health to Win: Recovery x Turk McBride, Turk shared how he applied the same principles utilized throughout his NFL career to his recovery process. Now, he’s able to use these fundamentals to better support himself on his journey to mental health and wellness. To learn more about Turk’s story, continue reading the article below or check out the full podcast on our YouTube channel.
When One Door Closes Another One Opens
For most of Turk’s life, he had been working towards his goal of becoming a professional athlete. When he finally achieved that goal, he did everything in his power to maintain that status. However, when it was all taken away, Turk was left with the harrowing reality of his depression.
“I stopped playing football in 2014 and I fell into a major depression,” Turk said. “I never assumed I would be one of those guys [but] when your wife is telling you you’re depressed, that’s the last thing you want to hear … I looked at myself in the mirror and said, ‘Hey—who do you want to become as a person, as a husband, and as a father?’ And I started taking the advice that my wife [was giving me] to heart.”
Gradually, Turk became more aware of the things he was struggling with.
“I feel like the NFL broke up with me via text message,” Turk said. “Like, I put so much time and effort and energy in and it just was [a shock to be dismissed so easily]. I’d seen several [of] my friends commit suicide and [I knew that] if something drastic [didn’t] change, [I] may be in that category.”
Eventually, Turk agreed to seek treatment at All Points North Lodge in Edwards, Colorado. Still, this choice didn’t come without sacrifices.
“I left two days after my daughter’s birthday and wanted to stay for 30 days, [though] I wound up staying for 60,” Turk said. “I missed my daughter’s first day of school just by being here, so it was extremely difficult. However, sometimes you have to go through that difficult time to really become who you need to be for those people. [Even though] I will never get that moment back … understanding how to be the best father … can last for as long as God has me on this earth. Personally, I’d rather lose that moment in time to be able to get so much more.”
From Hesitant to Humbled
Even though Turk agreed to go to treatment, he struggled to be open to the process at first.
“I had so much anxiety [and] fear,” Turk said. “I really didn’t want to open up [or] make any friends. [I thought], I’m only here to shut my wife up … All I gotta do is just pray a little bit and read some scriptures [and] I’ll be fine … But once we got in that first group and I saw someone that looks like me and played [who was] being vulnerable and open it [was] like, Oh. And then you hear your peers start telling stories and you’re like, Well okay. Well let me open up as well.”
Even though Turk didn’t come to APN to make friends, he certainly left with more than he bargained for.
“I [wound] up creating brotherhoods … just by having [gone] through what we went through,” Turk said. “The only thing that felt close to that was training camp when you know you’re going through adversity and pain and suffering [together]. When you’re going through all that, you build that camaraderie with a person. When we’re extremely emotional, vulnerable, [and] open … we wind up building something [truly meaningful].”
Turk shared what an emotional rollercoaster the entire APN process was for him.
“I mean this is something that’s quite difficult,” Turk said. “When I first came here I thought it was going to be one way … but after the my first day or two I’m like, Okay. I’m tired of crying now … But to be honest it was amazing for me being able to unpack around my peers – around people that I played with – [and] hearing different journeys so I can relate [and] feel like I’m not alone.”
Learning the Strength in Vulnerability
Part of what was so difficult for Turk at first was learning that there is strength in vulnerability.
“Being an athlete, we’re so accustomed to being un-vulnerable,” Turk said. “We have to be so strong. We have to be so mentally tough. And to be a professional when you come here is a total opposite. It’s—you have to be vulnerable. You have to open up. You have to be caring. You have to be loving, to understand who you really are, so you can become who you need to be.”
While this shift didn’t happen right away for Turk, he slowly began to learn that APN was a safe place for him to be himself.
“Day one I was extremely isolated,” Turk said. “[Two weeks in, I] slowly start[ed] eating with people … having one-on-ones with people and start[ed] building … Being vulnerable in this new situation—it was funny. But, also at the same time, it was great.”
When Turk wasn’t sure how to access this new skill of showing vulnerability, the professionals at APN led the way.
“Lara, [an APN therapist], introduced our group to this thing called a trauma egg,” Turk said. “From that point on, the first trauma egg story that I heard, it was like, This is my brother right here … Ever since then, I was able to be extremely vulnerable. [Now, post treatment, we have] a group text message where every day we’re just sending each other devotionals—just giving one another encouraging, motivational words … we’re still as close as we were when we [were] here.”
Even though Turk now has lasting friendships that were forged from vulnerability, it took time for him to shift from his previous NFL-mindset.
“When I came here and I saw the other former NFL players, it was a sense of comfort but also a sense of anxiety. Because, hey, I may have to be vulnerable in front of these guys where [in the past], I broke a forearm in [a] football game, [put] a piece of tape on it, pop[ped] two Tylenol, [and] finished the game with four more tackles. So it’s all about how tough you are … Coming here, it was the total opposite.”
The APN Mission
It’s not every day that a bunch of former NFL players get together in such a vulnerable, transformative way. However, there’s something unique about the APN program that truly sets it apart from other treatment options available today.
“I had a great relationship with everyone [at APN],” Turk said. “When it was time for me to leave it felt like I was leaving friends that I knew for a very long time and it was [hard]. I learned so much from everyone that was here from the upper management [to] the ladies that [were] just helping with the laundry. Everyone here, it seems like they had a mission or [that the] APN mission was embedded in them. So it was enlightening for me to see so many people caring because that’s a world that I’m not accustomed to … People start[ed] caring about Turk when I started playing football … so people caring for your well-being and your safety and your wellness—it was left field to me … What they’re doing [at APN] is not an occupation. It’s not a job. It’s not a career. It’s a calling. You know God had to put something on their heart for them to [give] that serving.”
As Turk began to realize just how much the APN team was invested in him, he also had to learn how to shift his mindset around transactional behavior.
“One of the things that I am learning to get over or reprogram myself [about is] that life is not transactional,” Turk said. “Coming here is like, Okay. They’re doing all this. They’re taking out time to help me. What the hell do they want from me? And it’s like, they don’t want anything. So they helped me in more than one way.”
Applying Football Principles to the Healing Journey
Even though some of what Turk learned in the NFL was counter to what he was learning at APN, there were other ways he learned to apply his professional athletic psyche to his healing approach.
“One of the main things that I kind of looked at that was in my football career [was] I always did the things I didn’t want to do,” Turk said. “I didn’t want to come [to APN] at all. I didn’t want to be vulnerable. I didn’t want to open up. I didn’t want to unpack what was packed up for years or even decades. So me not wanting to come here was really a sign for me that I really needed to be here.”
Just like with previous adversities that Turk had faced in his professional career, he applied the same gritty can-do attitude to everything he did at APN.
“I feel as though being an athlete helps a little in this particular journey,” Turk said. “Having to overcome adversity. Having to do things you’re unaccustomed to doing. Or having to do things to become better … I just take the journey of football and translate into this. If you’re not getting better, then you’re getting worse. So every day I’m taking the proper steps for me to get better in something. It may be communication. It may be love. It may be how to accept love. It may just be having patience. Every day I just try to get better.”
Doing this work day in and day out is certainly not easy. However, Turk highlights why the work is worth it.
“Sometimes you have to punt the ball. Sometimes it’s a turnover. Sometimes some things happen, but you have to understand with that there’s an adversity. And with that adversity, you can build strength … You have to make certain sacrifices and … those sacrifices [will] hurt in [the] moment, but it helps you out on the back end.”
The Journey Continues
Today, Turk understands that his journey continues.
“[I’m] taking one step at a time, just trying to become the best version of me as possible,” Turk said. “I may not be who I want to be at this moment, but I can see it. So as long as I … see it, then I can always work to it … taking one step at a time … [APN] gave me a start[ing] point. Like, Okay. This is the data that we collected thus far and I guess we need to go in this direction [now].”
While the “data” and the measurement of progress is important, Turk also understands that there’s a greater picture that includes ongoing setbacks, trials, and tribulations.
“Sometimes you don’t have a good day. Sometimes you don’t have a good week. Sometimes you don’t have a good month. But it’s still that understanding [that this] is [a] journey. Sometimes I have to go take a detour, but I still need to get back to the destination.”
Because the healing journey is long, Turk has recognized the importance of acknowledging small wins along the way.
“What I learned here [is] you have to also celebrate the small victories,” Turk said. “You just can’t celebrate a huge accomplishment. You have to, you know, enjoy the journey.”
Reframing Expectations
Part of learning how to enjoy the journey involves reframing expectations.
“You just have to really have the proper expectations for [yourself],” Turk said. “[At first], I didn’t have the proper expectations. [I’d say], ‘Okay. I’m gonna come here. I’m going to be here for 30 days. And I’m gonna be better.’ Realistically, [that’s not] having the proper expectations.”
Now, Turk just expects himself to show up while trying to detach from the outcomes.
“I feel like you get promoted [in this journey], but you never graduate,” Turk said. “No matter what, I’m not gonna give up. No matter the adversity, trials, [or] tribulations, I’m going to be relentless [in] try[ing] to be my best self.”
If you’re interested in learning more about All Points North and our addiction, trauma, and mental health recovery programs (including our Athletes Track), submit our confidential contact form or call us at 855.934.1178 today. You never know how good your life can get when you allow yourself to receive the gifts of healing.
More From Turk
Listen and watch the Turk’s episode of Recovery x APN below, and find more episodes on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Podcasts.
