Reconnecting with family after recovery can be one of the greatest rewards of achieving sobriety. Yet at the same time, it’s also often a difficult or triggering experience. Following a few simple tips can help you keep moving forward and ensure that reconnecting with family after recovery is done with your sobriety in mind.
Why Reconnecting With Family After Recovery Can Be Difficult
When you break free from a substance use disorder, the process involves much more than merely achieving abstinence. Addiction recovery is also typically a holistic life change that teaches people to think about challenges differently, adopt new behaviors and hobbies, and emphasize key values like openness and honesty.
As much as you may have changed in the recovery process, the same can’t necessarily be said for your family members. Many of them may still think of you as the person who’s been using drugs or alcohol for months or years. They might also simply not understand what it takes to build and maintain a life in recovery.
Granted, some close family members may have become involved in your recovery process. If you attended a substance use treatment center that emphasized family therapy as a core treatment method, your closest family members may have a greater understanding of addiction recovery and what it takes.
But for any family members who haven’t joined in on the process, there can be several challenges that people experience when reconnecting. Some of the most common dangers of reconnecting with family after recovery include:
- Feeling triggered around a family member you used to drink or use drugs with
- Feeling pressured to drink or use drugs
- Family members not understanding why you had to get sober
- Substance use happening at family gatherings
- Becoming emotionally triggered by family conflict
With these dangers in mind, reconnecting with family after recovery should be done with careful preparation and a solid foundation of recovery underneath you.
Tips for Reuniting With Family
Following a few simple tips for reconnecting with family after recovery can ensure that everything goes well when you reunite with family members for the first time. This can be an incredibly positive experience. However, keeping your recovery at the forefront is crucial for preserving your hard-won victory over a substance use disorder.
Make Sure You’re Confident in Your Recovery First
Before going into any potentially triggering or difficult situation, you should ensure that you have a solid footing in your recovery. If you reunite with family members when you’re doubting your sobriety, having intense cravings, or generally feeling unsure of your ability to stay sober, it can quickly become too much to handle.
Before reuniting, ask yourself:
- Am I confident that I’ll be able to stay sober no matter what happens?
- Am I expecting my family members to pressure me to drink or use drugs?
- Will I be able to resist pressure from my family members if it happens?
If you can’t answer these questions to your satisfaction, it might be in your best interests to delay reuniting with your family members until you can. Don’t make the mistake of rushing in headfirst when your sobriety might be on the line.
Bring Along a Sober Friend or Supporter
Perhaps you’ve decided to go ahead and reunite with family members but still want some additional support. In that case, consider bringing along a sober friend or someone who supports you in recovery. Having them by your side can help you resist any temptation or craving you experience.
A trusted friend can keep you accountable to your recovery goals, provide support if you experience cravings or challenges, and generally put you at ease in difficult situations. This can be a valuable resource during the early weeks and months of recovery when triggers and cravings are still powerful.
Set Healthy Boundaries
When you’re reuniting with family members for the first time, setting strong and healthy boundaries can be critical to maintaining your progress in recovery. Family members may not recognize the severity of substance use disorders or the ongoing work needed to maintain sobriety. As a result, they may pressure you into uncomfortable situations.
This isn’t necessarily a personal attack against your new sober lifestyle — they may only be acting the way they’ve always acted around you. But your new life in recovery has changed what you need and what you’re comfortable with.
Setting boundaries at the beginning helps establish these new needs. It also lets family members know what’s important for your recovery and keeps you feeling confident in your sobriety.
If you haven’t had to set strong boundaries with family members before, the process can be a bit unnerving. But don’t let your nerves hold you back from voicing your needs. In making healthy boundaries, there are a few key areas you should focus on:
- Reflect on your personal needs
- Determine what your physical, emotional, and mental limits are
- Be direct, clear, and straightforward when setting a boundary
- Firmly hold your boundary, even if you receive pushback
As an example, imagine that you’re meeting with cousins or siblings at their home for a get-together. When you arrive, they may ask uncomfortable questions about your substance use disorder or what led you to seek addiction treatment.
If you aren’t comfortable discussing this subject, an assertive but healthy boundary might be to say, “I appreciate your concern, but I don’t feel comfortable sharing those details right now. Let’s keep the conversation to topics that aren’t my recovery process.”
This boundary acknowledges their concerns and voices your discomfort about the conversational topic. It can also help move the discussion away from subjects that you aren’t prepared to talk about.
Have an Exit Strategy
Family can be overwhelming at times. While you may be looking forward to a reunion, there’s a chance that there will become too much emotional and mental stress to handle, especially if your family starts to argue, pressures you to drink, or asks too many uncomfortable questions.
If your reunion starts to feel like too much, it’s important that you have an exit strategy in place. This could be as simple as saying it’s time for you to go and simply walking out the door. However, there are often barriers that get in the way of people leaving when they want to.
For example, if you suspect that reuniting with family members may be difficult or triggering, make sure to drive yourself to the gathering. Carpooling with a family member may leave you trapped there until that family member is ready to go or the gathering is over.
Whether you take an Uber, drive yourself, ride a bicycle, or get there using your own two feet, try to arrive on your own. It can be reassuring to have a safe exit strategy in case things get hectic.
Be Open and Patient
As a person in recovery, you know how difficult living with a substance use disorder can be and how hard it is to break free from addiction and achieve sobriety. You also understand how powerful cravings or triggers can be and how much work goes into maintaining your recovery.
In contrast, family members who have never had a problem with substance use or gone through recovery often can’t comprehend what it takes to get and stay sober. As a result, they may have questions or misunderstandings about the process, and being open and patient is often an essential component of a successful reunion.
For example, it’s not uncommon for family members to ask questions such as:
- Why did you need to go to treatment? Couldn’t you just stop?
- You had a problem with heroin, so having a beer should be fine, right?
- Why do you still go to those meetings? Aren’t you cured?
These questions are often well-intentioned, but it can quickly become tiresome to answer them repeatedly. Be as open and honest about your recovery as you’re willing to be and understand that your family members simply don’t have the lived experience to understand what it means to get sober and continue working toward your recovery.
Acknowledge Hurt and Consider Making Amends
When dealing with a substance use disorder, people tend to act or speak in ways that hurt the people closest to them. You may have borrowed money without returning it, lied to your family members, or hurt their feelings in some way while you were still in active addiction.
If this is the case for you, reconnecting with family after recovery may be a great opportunity to make amends. The amends-making process is not just about returning owed money or giving a simple apology. It’s also about showing your family that you hold yourself accountable for your actions and are willing to work to make things right.
Amends are a core component of 12-step recovery groups, comprising the ninth step. But even if you aren’t a member of a 12-step group, the amends-making process can go a long way toward healing the harms of the past and cleaning the slate for a better life in recovery.
Still, there is a lesson to be learned in the fact that groups like Alcoholics Anonymous incorporate amends-making into the end of the process. In early recovery, people may not be mentally or emotionally prepared for this process.
Before starting amends, your recovery foundation should be strong enough that you’re prepared to deal with difficult situations. This also ensures that you have the skills and resources to truly set your wrongs right.
Reach Out for Professional Support
Reconnecting with family can be a beautiful reward for achieving and maintaining your recovery, but it’s okay if this process is nerve-racking or anxiety-inducing. If you’re committed to reuniting but don’t feel quite comfortable enough to do so, consider reaching out to a mental health professional to support you in the process.
Working with an individual therapist can assist you in building the coping skills and emotion regulation strategies you need to navigate difficult family situations. A therapist can also provide you with tools to help curb cravings or avoid potential triggers. They can even help you make amends with your family if that’s a goal for you.
There’s no shame in seeking support in these situations. When people break free from substance use disorders, it can feel like even the most mundane of situations are fraught with tense emotions and powerful triggers. A mental health professional supports you in this journey and helps you learn to thrive in your recovery.
Start Treatment at APN
If you’re ready to seek out professional support, reach out to the team at APN by filling out our confidential online contact form or by calling us at 855.934.1178. Our experts can help you decide which treatment options are the best fit for your needs, and we’ll be there to support you through every challenge you face in recovery.
References
- Heinz A, Beck A, Mir J, et al. Alcohol Craving and Relapse Prediction: Imaging Studies. In: Kuhn CM, Koob GF, editors. Advances in the Neuroscience of Addiction. Boca Raton (FL): CRC Press; 2010. Chapter 4. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK53355/
