Motherhood is traditionally regarded as one of the most rewarding experiences in a woman’s life. However, not many people talk about how it can also be one of the most challenging times – especially for first-time mothers. While the joy of nurturing a child is undeniable, many new moms come to discover that the responsibilities and expectations that come with motherhood can take a significant toll on their mental health.
One of the most common feelings many mothers experience is “mom guilt,” which can be described as a sense of inadequacy or failure in meeting the often-unrealistic standards of perfect motherhood. But why do so many moms struggle with mom guilt when taking care of their own physical and mental well-being? And most importantly, what can moms do to put their mental health first without feeling guilty? Keep reading to find out.
How Does Motherhood Affect a Woman’s Mental Health?
Motherhood is a life-altering experience that affects every aspect of a woman’s existence. The demands of caring for a child, coupled with societal pressures to be the perfect mother, can lead to a range of mental health challenges. Many new mothers face a steep learning curve as they navigate sleepless nights, feeding schedules, spouses who sometimes fail to offer adequate support, and the constant worry about their child’s well-being. These challenges, while common, can contribute to feelings of anxiety, stress, and even depression.
There are certain physical changes that accompany pregnancy and childbirth, such as hormonal fluctuations, that can also play a significant role in a mother’s mental health. Postpartum depression, for example, affects a substantial number of new mothers. This condition goes beyond the “baby blues” that many women experience shortly after childbirth; it is a more severe and persistent form of depression that can interfere with a mother’s ability to care for her baby and herself.
While not every mother experiences postpartum depression, many still struggle with their new reality. In addition to the physical and hormonal changes, the shift in identity that comes with motherhood can be impactful. Many women struggle with the perceived loss of their pre-motherhood identity, feeling as though they must sacrifice their personal goals, careers, and even their sense of self to fulfill their new role as mothers. This identity shift can lead to feelings of isolation, loss of self-worth, and a sense of being overwhelmed by the responsibilities of motherhood.
Moreover, societal expectations and the portrayal of motherhood in the media often paint an unrealistic picture of what it means to be a “good” mother. The pressure to be constantly nurturing, patient, and selfless while having a spotless home and being an amazing spouse can create a significant burden, leaving many mothers feeling like they are never doing enough. This pressure can be particularly intense for working mothers, who may feel torn between their professional responsibilities and their desire to be present for their children. The result is often a cycle of stress, anxiety, and guilt that can be difficult to break.
Understanding Mom Guilt
Mom guilt is a term that resonates with many mothers. It describes the persistent feeling that they are not living up to the expectations of what a good mother or caretaker should be. This guilt can arise from various sources, such as the belief that one should always be available for their children, the pressure to provide the best possible care, or the internalized notion that any time spent away from their child is selfish.
Unrealistic Expectations
One of the primary reasons for mom guilt is unrealistic standards and expectations of motherhood perpetuated by society. Social media can exacerbate these feelings, as mothers are often bombarded with images of seemingly perfect, Instagram-worthy families, well-behaved children, living rooms without a single thing out of place, and mothers who appear to have it all together. The reality, however, is that these images often do not reflect the full picture. Behind the scenes, many mothers struggle with the same challenges and insecurities, but these are rarely shared in the public eye.
Internal Conflict
Mom guilt can also come from the internal conflict between a mother’s personal needs and her desire to be fully present for her child. For example, a mother may feel guilty for wanting to take time for herself, whether it be for self-care, pursuing a hobby, or simply resting. The flawed notion that a “good” mother must always put her child’s needs above her own can lead to feelings of inadequacy and guilt when she takes time for herself.
Balancing Act
This guilt is further compounded by the expectation that mothers should be able to balance all aspects of their lives seamlessly – including returning to work and maintaining their pre-childbirth work performance levels like nothing ever happened. This is especially true in countries like the United States, where new moms are expected to return to work in as little as 12 weeks after the birth of their child.
However, because maternity leave is unpaid in many states, moms often opt to return much sooner than 12 weeks to relieve the financial pressures that come with the birth of a child. In comparison, many countries in Europe offer paid maternity leave for extended periods. For example, new moms in Greece can receive 63% of their regular wages while enjoying up to 43 weeks of paid maternity leave. The global average of paid maternity leave is 18 weeks – leaving the United States as one of the few countries around the world that does not offer paid time off for employees after the birth of a child.
Whether it’s managing a household, excelling in a career, or maintaining social relationships, the pressure to do it all can leave mothers feeling overwhelmed and guilty when they fall short.
Managing Mom Guilt
While this is a common experience, it is essential to recognize that these feelings of guilt are often rooted in unrealistic expectations. This understanding allows you to take steps to manage these feelings more effectively. One of the most important things a mother can do is to practice self-compassion. Remember that each mother and child are unique, and it only harms you to compare your family to others who may seem like they have it all figured out. In fact, the reality is often the opposite. Recognizing that no one is perfect and that everyone makes mistakes can help alleviate the pressure to be the perfect mother. Being a good mother does not mean being flawless; it means doing the best you can with the resources and knowledge you have.
Another effective way to manage mom guilt is to challenge the unrealistic standards of motherhood that society imposes. This might involve taking a break from social media or surrounding oneself with supportive and understanding individuals who share a more realistic perspective on motherhood. Engaging in conversations with other mothers can also be helpful, as it can provide a sense of solidarity and remind mothers that they are not alone in their struggles.
A good idea is to check to see if there are any mom groups that meet in your area. There are a variety of mom groups that organize weekly playdates and outings for new moms and siblings—some are faith-based, while others are non-religious, and some are even ethnicity-based. Look for a group that is supportive, nonjudgmental, and offers activities that align with your interests and your family’s schedule.
Setting realistic expectations and boundaries is another key strategy for managing mom guilt. This means recognizing that it is okay to say no to certain demands and that taking time for oneself does not make one a bad mother. It is important to prioritize self-care and to understand that a well-rested and mentally healthy mother is better equipped to care for her children.
Putting On Your Oxygen Mask First
Have you ever paid attention to the flight attendant announcements you hear before taking off on a plane? They often include the instruction to “put on your oxygen mask first before assisting others.” This is a perfect analogy to remember when struggling with feelings of guilt as a mother—the best way to equip yourself with the mental and physical energy (the “oxygen”) to care for others is to care for yourself first.
For mothers, self-care is not a luxury – it is a necessity. Taking time to care for oneself is not only beneficial for a mother’s well-being, but it also sets a positive example for children. When children see their mother taking care of her own needs, they learn the importance of self-care and are more likely to adopt healthy habits themselves.
Self-care can look different for everyone. For some, it entails a long bubble bath in a spa-like environment, while for others it means burning off some steam at the gym, or just sitting down in silence and enjoying a kid-free, quiet moment on their own. Spend some time thinking about ways that you can incorporate your own version of self-care into your routine, and make it a non-negotiable part of your daily schedule.
What If You’re Still Feeling Guilty?
Let’s face it – motherhood can be hard, but help is available.
In-Person or Virtual Therapy
Therapy can be a powerful tool to help mothers navigate the challenges they face every day and learn healthy ways to reduce stress and cope with mental health challenges such as anxiety or depression. If you are feeling mom guilt about spending this time away from your kids in order to participate in therapy sessions, it is time to reframe this thinking and recognize that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Therapy can provide mothers with the tools they need to cope with the challenges of motherhood, and taking time to address one’s mental health is an investment in the entire family’s well-being.
One way to manage feelings of guilt when taking time for therapy is to remind oneself of the benefits that therapy can provide. Therapy can help mothers develop healthier coping mechanisms, improve communication with their children and partners, and reduce feelings of anxiety and depression. When you put your mental health as a priority, you will be better able to show up for your children in a more present and emotionally balanced manner.
Plan Activities in Advance
If your family schedule is chaotic, do your best to plan ahead and schedule self-care activities, including therapy sessions, at times that work best for the family. This might involve arranging for childcare or coordinating with a partner or family member to ensure that the children are cared for.
What to Do If You Are Still Struggling
So, what should you do if you have tried many of these tips and continue to struggle? Maybe it is just a sign that you may benefit from receiving some professional help. Consider seeking professional help from a qualified mental health therapist who can assist you in overcoming mom guilt and navigating any other mental health challenges you may be dealing with.
In some cases, medication may be necessary to help you manage symptoms of anxiety, depression, or other mental health conditions. It is important to consult with a healthcare provider to determine the best course of action. Finally, be patient with yourself. Mental health is a journey, and there will be ups and downs along the way. It is okay to have bad days and to ask for help when needed.
Improving Your Mental Health at All Points North
At All Points North, you will find an entire team of experienced, dedicated mental health professionals who are ready to help you. Whether you are struggling with postpartum depression, anxiety, or just need someone to talk to, APN’s team of highly-skilled therapists are here for you. You can even access therapy online from the comfort of your home. Seeking help is not selfish and can not only benefit you as a mother but also the entire family. Contact us by filling out our confidential contact form or calling us at 855.934.1178 to learn more.
References
- “Countries with Paid Maternity Leave: How the US Compares – Justworks.” Justworks, Countries with Paid Maternity Leave: How the US Compares – Justworks, 2023, www.justworks.com/blog/countries-with-paid-maternity-leave.
- “Mom Guilt: How to Deal.” Cleveland Clinic, health.clevelandclinic.org/mom-guilt.
- “Postpartum Depression: Types, Symptoms, Treatment & Prevention.” Cleveland Clinic, 12 Apr. 2022, my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9312-postpartum-depression.
