Written by Samantha Carter
For over 20 years, Dave was stuck in the throws of addiction, never thinking his life could look any different. He had been in and out of different rehab facilities but nothing ever stuck. However, when something inside him shifted, he was finally ready to make a change.
Coming to APN, Dave was able to learn things about himself and garner tools he hadn’t learned anywhere else. Through his dedication and hard work, he can now say he lives and loves a life sober. To find out more about Dave and his story, check out the full APN podcast, Connection Broke My Opioid Addiction: Recovery x Dave, or continue reading the article below.
From “Normal” to Numbing
For most of his life, Dave didn’t identify as an addict.
“Going back to like college days I was, what I would say, was pretty normal,” Dave said. “You know, [I] smoked a lot of weed, did some other hard stuff here and there, but amazingly enough when I left college I told myself, okay that’s it. And it was for quite a while. [Then, I] got married [and] had three kids.”
However, a pivotal event would change the trajectory of his relationship to substances.
“Somewhere in the light late 90s, [I] hurt my back,” Dave said. “It started with codeine pills [and] it wasn’t too long [until I] started getting hooked on those. [Then, I] started finding something stronger and … all of a sudden I’m [addicted].”
In and Out of Rehabs
As Dave pointed out, it didn’t take much before he was hooked on opioids and any other substance he could get his hands on. If only quitting the habit was as easy as starting it.
“So in 2003, I went to my first rehab spot and I was scared to death,” Dave said. “I was like: How the hell did I get here? What’s happened to me? After that, things were good for quite some time. I had four or five years where [I was] straight up 100% sober and everything was going well. [However], it was a very slow kind of creep back into the addiction behaviors.”
Before he knew it, Dave was deep into his addiction yet again.
“I was back into taking pills–and a lot of pills, a lot of you know dark web stuff and things like that,” Dave said. “I [was] down on the streets of KC at two o’clock in the morning at one point looking for heroin because I just got so desperate.”
After his first rehab stay in 2003, there was a 15-year period where he went without addiction treatment. During that time, Dave had countless seizures from his drug usage. So finally in 2018, he went back to get some help.
“So from 2018 until 2022 [I went to] four more [treatment] stops and that’s that’s when [I] was spiral[ing] out of control,” Dave said. “Things were just getting super ugly. I lost a well-paying, I had a great girlfriend that things got super rocky [with] and she just backed away. During this time I had convinced myself that [I] never [had] a problem [with] booze–[that drugs were the issue]. If you’d have told me that I was going to be the guy that turned into the person driving to work at 6 am with a handle of rum in my car, I never ever would have believed it … So that’s when it started to spiral and get really out of control. There was a DUI and … I spent some time in jail. [Still], that wasn’t enough [for me to stop].”
Save Yourself or Die
In the throws of addiction, the COVID pandemic certainly didn’t make it any easier for Dave.
“We were all crazy in COVID but when you’re in the dark spiral of addiction it’s even worse,” Dave said. “I was just trying to hold on.”
Every year since his father’s passing – drugs, alcohol, or not – Dave would attend a memorial golf tournament for his dad. In late 2022, something inside him shifted while there with his family and friends.
“[I had just gotten back from the golf tournament] and I was looking through [old] pictures,” Dave said. “[At the time], I was 235 pounds. Sitting here today, I’m about a buck 90. I looked in the mirror [and] I broke down. This was the first time that it wasn’t a divorce, it wasn’t a job loss, it wasn’t my kids saying you know we’re sick of this, it wasn’t losing a girlfriend. It was the first time where I – on my own without any other push, prod, anything – just decided, okay you’re at that point. You’re at that jumping off point, that literal jumping off point. You can either try to save [yourself] or you are going to die.”
Looking in the mirror, Dave finally let it sink in just how sick he really was.
“My liver was about ready to explode,” Dave said. “You could see it from the outside–in the mirror and I could see it swollen up. So I got online and the first thing that popped up was APN.”
Why Previous Treatment Centers Didn’t Work & What Was Different About APN
While APN wasn’t Dave’s first “rodeo,” he spoke about why this treatment experience was different from all his others.
“First and foremost, nothing was a failure on [the other treatment centers’] part,” Dave said. “I want to make that very clear. It had everything to do with me not making the full dive, making the full commitment, making the full surrender.”
Even though Dave acknowledged the other treatment facilities didn’t work for him because of his own shortcomings, he also highlighted some significant differences he noticed when coming to APN.
“It wasn’t until I got here that I realized, holy moly, how different this place is,” Dave said. “It was so much more than ‘do the steps, go to meetings, get a sponsor, good luck.’ It was a deep dive into the psycho-behavior therapy – all of that stuff – that I had kind of gotten pieces of throughout the past few years. But I mean, from day one walking in, we dove in, especially with Dustin, [an APN therapist]. [We] just started drilling down and quickly got to a couple of things that I never had touched on [before]. That opened up a whole new can and just opened my eyes to, wow, there’s a lot of stuff from the past and younger days that I now realize … kind of formed me into who I am and who I was.”
Reprogramming Limiting Beliefs and Powerful Processing Groups
As Dave began to open these “cans” and learn more about himself and his behaviors, he started to learn how to question old patterns of thinking.
“One of the first things I remember [was when Dustin] said, ‘what if the stories that we believe about ourselves are not true?’ It still makes me emotional to this day,” Dave said. “[When you go] further down that rabbit hole you go you start believing a lot of shit about yourself that is not good. To hear somebody say: ‘What if you’re not a piece of shit? What if you’re not a failure as a dad? What if all of these bad things you tell yourself [are] not true?’ That was kind of the initial comment from when I got here that just bounced me into the whole stay.
As Dave began to question his previously limiting beliefs, he also found a lot of power and transformation present within the APN processing groups.
“So it was all guys [in my process group], which I know – especially in my case – was wonderful,” Dave said. “It was an extremely tight group. [It] felt like you could be honest, vulnerable, tell them anything, and not have to worry about judgment. It was something every morning I looked forward to … You laugh, you cry, you get pissed, you go through it all. But it’s [all] so therapeutic for the soul.”
Don’t Be a Hero–It’s OK To Ask For Help and Not Have All the Answers
APN treats every single person as an individual. As counterintuitive as it may seem, Dave actually needed to allow himself to slack off a little bit to truly make progress in his recovery work.
“It’s funny–Dustin’s got a sense of humor,” Dave said. “The day we met I said, ‘I’m the A+ rehab student.’ He’s like, ‘I know you are. You’re not going to be late to class. You’re going to participate. You’re going to do all that stuff you’re supposed to do, but because of that I want you to set that aside.’ He said, ‘Hell, I want you to show up late one day just to be late. I want you to talk without having to think about what you’re going to say first [or] what anybody’s going to think about it and what’s the best sales pitch.’ Just hearing that made me realize he gets me. He absolutely gets me.”
Dave was starting to realize how he had faked his way through recovery in the past and how that never led to lasting results. This time, he needed to do things differently.
“If you’ve got a background in sales and you’re an addict, you can bullshit with anybody,” Dave said. “If you’re hiding, convincing, pulling the wool over everybody’s eyes–number one you may think you are but you probably aren’t. [But number two], don’t try to go down that path of being the hero and think[ing], I’m going to be a man. I’m going to take care of this myself. I don’t want to hurt anybody so I’m [not] going to make them aware. I don’t want to be a burden. That’s the worst thing you can do … Just [say], ‘I need help.’”
Eat, Sleep, Workout, Repeat
A huge part of Dave’s recovery at APN and since has been his fitness.
“The gym [at APN] is phenomenal,” Dave said. “[For me, it] is a huge part of recovery. It gets my endorphins cranked up. It relieves stress and anxiety. You know, I started the day I got here and quite frankly I haven’t shut it off since.”
That’s not all Dave loved at APN.
“[The] meals–holy moly. I mean, you’re not going to have a lack of choices,” Dave said. “You’re going to have healthy choices and if you don’t want healthy choices you’re going to have that too. The food and the nutrition [at APN] is just off the charts. [Also], having yoga and other activities like that as well–just the whole thing. And, of course, the setting [is] peaceful on its own. Just to walk out the door and look out there. I mean [the] mountains [are] still snow-capped in July. You know, it’s just a beautiful, beautiful setting.”
Finding Connection in Life After Treatment
At the time the podcast aired, it had been nearly a year since Dave left treatment at the APN Lodge. He shared what life’s been like since.
“I hit some meetings [when I got back home and] I talked with Dustin. [I told him], ‘I’ve been trying and trying to [do] this AA thing off and on. I’ve done the steps 10 times, [but I’m just not getting a lot out of it],’” Dave said. “And rather than having somebody throw it back and say, ‘well you’re just not committed’ or ‘you need to try harder’ or whatever he was like, ‘well then don’t do it.’ And I was like, ‘what?’ He said, ‘AA works for so many people and at the same time if it isn’t working for you then it’s okay to try other paths. But do something. Find connection, find community.’”
For Dave, that felt like an invitation to begin to look at his life in a new way.
“Crazy enough, I moved back to Kansas City [where all my adult children live] a couple of months ago,” Dave said. “I got back into umpiring and umpiring is interesting at my age because it’s a tight-knit group. In just two short months [I] reconnected with quite a few buddies from the past [and made some new friends as well] … when I am in the depths of [addiction] the last thing I want is connection. I was not going to the bars. I was locking the door and [being] that pathetic individual that’s just chugging all day with my dog [and] the door closed. So to get back to having that connection–it’s healthy. It’s just been awesome.”
Repairing Old Relationships
Part of Dave’s connection journey has also been reconnecting and repairing his relationships with his children.
“Today the relationship with them is just amazing,” Dave said. “Last week, I went paddle boarding with my 30-year-old son and I had a coffee date with one of my daughters two or three weeks ago. My oldest daughter lives about a mile away from me [so] a couple times I just stopped by during the day.”
Dave is also learning how to accept the relationships for what they are today, rather than dwelling on the mistakes of the past.
“To have things back in a place where I’m dad [means the world],” Dave said. “You know, do they maybe still think about things in the back of their mind? Probably. I gave them good reason … to feel that way. But as every day goes by and they’re seeing this [change], that’s one more day there was a tiny bit more trust. There’s a tiny bit more [hope]. I don’t have to worry about [it] anymore and that is a wonderful thing.”
Not only has Dave reconnected with his children, but he has also been able to reconnect with his ex-girlfriend.
“I’ve also got an amazing girlfriend,” Dave said. “So she and I started dating about the same time that I was falling off the cliff … [but] today we’re back together. Things are wonderful. It’s one more gift and it’s one more of those promises that it talks about in The Big Book. They all freaking come true if you let them.”
Dave’s Messages to Others Facing Addiction and Recovery
After 20 years of consistent active addiction, there was a time when Dave thought his life would never look any different. However, he’s learned that it’s never too late to change. Through his experiences, he has some words of wisdom to share with others who might be experiencing similar challenges.
“Do not be ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated,” Dave said. The more you try to hide it, the deeper you dig yourself in trouble. It’s okay to reach out for help. It’s okay to let people close to you know. And in doing that, be open to feedback that they have for you. Things aren’t going to go real swell with some family conversations, relationship conversations, work conversations. They don’t always go well. But it’s better to have those conversations and reach out as opposed to just stuffing it and stuffing it and stuffing it. The next thing you know you get a freaking DUI, you’re in jail, or worse.”
Dave talks about how it’s also good to take moments to pat yourself on the back, especially when you’re in the thick of the hard work.
“Sometimes it’s hard to [be] proud of yourself, but it’s okay to be proud of yourself,” Dave said. “It took a lot of hard work getting here–it did … It’s okay to take some glory in the victories. [Before], I never did. I would always focus on the negatives or the next thing. [But], today life is simple, life is good. Being sober is freaking awesome and it’s a wonderful thing.”
If you’re interested in learning more about All Points North and our addiction, trauma, and mental health recovery programs, submit our confidential contact form or call us at 855.934.1178 today. You never know how good your life can get when you surrender to sobriety.
More From Dave
Listen and watch Dusty’s episode of Recovery x APN below, and find more episodes on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Podcasts.
