Trauma Bonding – Warning Signs and How to Cope

At the beginning of a new relationship, you may feel an instant spark or immediate connection and it can be tempting to ignore any red flags that may arise. We often ignore these red flags due to the passion and intensity of the newly established relationship. “True love” can sometimes be disgusted as a trauma bond if you’re not self-aware.

For those of us who have struggled with our own mental health or have experienced trauma during our childhood, it can be difficult to distinguish between true love and trauma bonding.  Fostering a healthy meaningful relationship takes time and doesn’t happen overnight. Understanding trauma bonding, the warning signs and how to navigate a toxic relationship, will help you to build those meaningful connections and recognize what it means to be in a healthy relationship.

What is Trauma Bonding?

Trauma bonding is a psychological response to abuse and often occurs when an abused individual forms an unhealthy relationship with their abuser. The abused person will begin to develop sympathy or affection for their abuser¹. This bond can develop quickly or overtime, but it’s important to remember not everyone who has experienced abuse, will develop a trauma bond.

From birth, we are hard-wired to turn to an attachment figure (a caregiver) when we feel threatened². We will naturally turn to our romantic partners for comfort, even if they are the ones providing the abuse. This then creates a bond, where we rationalize or make sense of the abuser’s actions. In turn, this strengthens the bond, making it harder to leave the toxic relationship. The effects of generational trauma on families can perpetuate cycles of dysfunction and emotional pain. Children raised in environments where such trauma is prevalent may struggle to form healthy relationships, often unconsciously repeating the patterns of attachment they witnessed. This makes it increasingly difficult for them to break free from unhealthy dynamics and seek out healthier, supportive connections.

Signs of Trauma Bonding

Your significant other should add value and create a positive impact on your life, not leave you distressed and upset. You should never feel scared for your safety, worthless or depressed. Occasionally, you may have a disagreement, but this is completely normal. Once your interactions with your partner start to become more negative than positive, it’s time to consider if this is the best relationship for you to be in.

Although, your partner may try to convince you otherwise and promise change, they will continue to repeat their abusive behavior creating a vicious cycle. It’s time to break the habit of trauma bonding relationships and find real true love. Rebuilding selfesteem after trauma is a crucial step towards healing and personal empowerment. It involves recognizing your worth and surrounding yourself with supportive individuals who uplift you. As you embark on this journey, remember that every small victory contributes to a stronger, more confident you. Understanding the impact of fawning behaviors in trauma responses is critical for personal growth. These patterns can often lead to unhealthy dynamics in relationships, making it essential to address and challenge them. By learning to set boundaries and communicate your needs, you pave the way for healthier connections that nurture your well-being.

Here are some signs to help you identify if you may be in a trauma-bonded relationship:

Conflicting emotions about the abuser.

Individuals who have endured long-term abuse, may often find themselves feeling conflicting emotions about their abuser. At times, they may hate their abuser, then make statements about the relationship to appear better than the truth of the situation³.

You cover for the abusive person.

One typical behavior for those individuals who have been abused by their significant other, is to make excuses for their abuse. More often than not, the abused will use terms like “I deserved it” or “s/he was jealous” to make sense for their mistreated. Additionally, individuals may feel the need to protect their abuser and stand up for them.

Feeling like you “owe” the abuser.

Some individuals may feel a sense of gratitude toward their abuser for something they have done for them³. They stay with their abuser because they feel like they owe them.

Displaying emotions you don’t truly feel.

Often times, individuals in a trauma-bonded relationship will mask their emotions and mimic their abusers. If you are feeling sad one day and the abuser is happy, you will hide your emotion and display what the abuser is feeling. This behavior can lead to long-term psychological effects, manifesting as signs of emotional trauma in adults. Recognizing these signs is crucial for healing and breaking free from the cycle of abuse. It is essential to seek support and guidance to address these deep-seated emotional wounds and reclaim one’s sense of self. In contrast, signs of a healthy relationship include open communication, mutual respect, and emotional support. When both partners feel safe to express their feelings without fear of judgment, it fosters a nurturing environment for growth. Embracing these positive indicators can significantly enhance emotional well-being and strengthen the bond between individuals.

Desiring love, no matter the cost.

Many individuals who are victims of abuse desire love and affection from their abuser, despite being hurt. They will do anything they can to achieve that love and affection, no matter what the situation is, as long as they receive it from their abuser.

While there’s no single foolproof way to avoid trauma-bonded relationships, investing in your own mental health, self-development and understanding the signs of trauma bonding can help you navigate future relationships. By incorporating the core principles of traumainformed care, you can create a healthier emotional environment for yourself and your future partners. This approach emphasizes empathy, understanding, and recognizing the impact of past traumas, which can significantly improve communication and connection. Engaging with these principles allows for deeper insights into one’s own healing journey and fosters more fulfilling relationships. jennie’s resilience overcoming trauma is a testament to the strength one can find through adversity. By sharing her story, she inspires others to confront their challenges and seek healing. This kind of vulnerability not only empowers the individual but also helps create a supportive community that values growth and recovery.

How to Heal From A Trauma Bond

Now that you may have realized you are involved in a toxic relationship or have recently left your significant other due to trauma bonding, it is important to start the process of healing from the cycle of abuse. Here are some steps you can take to help break the pattern of trauma bonding relationships and recover from the toxic environment you were in⁴: One effective approach to support your recovery is exploring medical interventions, such as stellate ganglion block benefits for trauma, which may help regulate emotional responses. By addressing the physiological aspects of trauma, you can create a more conducive environment for healing. Additionally, incorporating therapy and mindfulness practices can further assist in breaking free from the past and fostering a healthier mindset.

• Live in reality
• Live in the moment
• Take it one day at a time
• Make decisions to support your self care
• It’s okay to grieve
• Understand what was the need
• Make a list of behaviors you will not tolerate in a relationship
• Plan your future – set goals
• Build healthy connections
• Seek professional help

When you’re ready, All Points North Lodge is here with the programs and expertise you need to face your trauma bonding issues with confidence. Our team of expert clinicians are ready to help you take the next step towards healing and recovery. We offer programs designed to treat addictions and mental health disorders. Nestled in the beautiful Rocky Mountains, APN Lodge offers a luxury rehab experience that is surrounded by the perfect environment for healing, personal growth, and recovery. Using evidence-based treatment approaches, our team of clinicians has the expertise to guide you through the process from referral through program completion.

To learn about all that the APN Lodge experience offers, reach out to one of our Contact Center team members at 866-525-9107. Let us help you find your way forward.

References

1. Zoppi, Lois. “What Is Trauma Bonding?” Trauma Bonding: Definition, Examples, Signs, and Recovery, Medical News Today, 26 Nov. 2020, www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/trauma-bonding#definition.
2. Rachel. “Identifying & Overcoming Trauma Bonds.” Identifying & Overcoming Trauma Bonds – The Hotline, 22 Sept. 2020, www.thehotline.org/resources/trauma-bonds-what-are-they-and-how-can-we-overcome-them/.
3. Hill, Tamara. “9 Signs of Traumatic Bonding: ‘Bonded to the Abuser.’” Psych Central, Psych Central, 9 Sept. 2015, psychcentral.com/blog/caregivers/2015/09/9-signs-of-traumatic-bonding-bonded-to-the-abuser#1.
4. Stines, Sharie. “10 Steps to Recovering from a Toxic Trauma Bond.” Therapy Blog, Good Therapy, 21 Aug. 2017, www.goodtherapy.org/blog/10-steps-to-recovering-from-toxic-trauma-bond-0110175.