{"id":34915,"date":"2022-10-04T00:00:09","date_gmt":"2022-10-04T06:00:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/apn.com\/dfw\/?p=34915"},"modified":"2022-11-30T05:51:39","modified_gmt":"2022-11-30T11:51:39","slug":"first-healthy-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/apn.com\/dfw\/resources\/first-healthy-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Navigate the First Healthy Relationship After Leaving a Toxic Relationship"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Dawn Ferrera, LPC<\/em><\/p>\n

Your first healthy relationship is often the hardest; you\u2019re entering unknown territory and learning to navigate a new way of connecting with someone. A new relationship can be an exciting and overwhelming time, and you may be distracted by self-doubt or even shame. If you’re wondering if you can have a healthy relationship, the answer is yes, and you can learn how without having to endure the same toxic patterns.<\/p>\n

Are You Ready for a New Relationship?<\/h2>\n

If you\u2019ve been in a toxic relationship before, you may have written them off, promising, \u201cNever again!\u201d And that makes sense \u2013 you\u2019ve been through a lot. You probably thought you\u2019d never be ready to take another chance on love, open your heart, and be vulnerable around someone new.<\/p>\n

Leaving is hard. Looking back is even harder. You probably developed some pretty intense feelings for that person from your past. You may look back with hurt or anger, but you may also look back still with love and loss, not just for the relationship but for your former partner. Others might find your feelings confusing \u2013 however, these feelings don\u2019t mean you want to go back or should go back. The fact is, you have a history with your ex. Letting go of those feelings and the past takes time.<\/p>\n

Yet here you are. The possibility of a new relationship came at a time when you were least expecting it. To say you\u2019re a little nervous would be an understatement.<\/p>\n

You\u2019ve traveled a long and sometimes hard road to healing from your abusive past. You\u2019ve worked through a lot of painful emotions. Now, you find yourself feeling ready to start dating again and maybe even open to the possibility of something new, but you want your next relationship to look nothing like what you\u2019ve experienced in the past.<\/p>\n

So, how can you lay a healthy foundation, and what can you do to protect yourself without putting up too many walls? First, we have to start by confronting a very important question.<\/p>\n

Why Are Healthy Relationships So Hard?<\/h2>\n

Even the most toxic relationships don\u2019t start that way. Relationships usually begin with those giddy, butterflies-in-the-stomach, can\u2019t-wait-to-see-each other feelings. But somewhere along the way, relationships can go wrong<\/a> \u2013 very wrong. And we don\u2019t always see it coming.<\/p>\n

An abusive relationship can change who you are in some ways: you may doubt your own thoughts and feelings or struggle with self-confidence. You may find it hard to trust not only yourself but anyone who might come into your life. Many of us have never experienced or witnessed a healthy relationship \u2013 how can we participate in a healthy relationship if we don\u2019t know what it looks like?<\/p>\n

Healthy relationships can seem intimidating because they\u2019re unfamiliar, but they\u2019re not impossible.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Luckily, there is a path forward. As tempting as it might be to just jump into something new, you must give yourself time to heal and learn to love yourself again. As you do, you\u2019ll reclaim your confidence and learn how to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship.<\/p>\n

Laying the Foundation for a Healthy Relationship<\/h2>\n

Even if you\u2019ve only ever experienced toxic relationships, there is hope for happier, more supportive, fulfilling connections. Here are nine steps you can take to lay the foundation for a healthy relationship.<\/p>\n

1: Take Care<\/h3>\n

There\u2019s an old saying, \u201cYou can\u2019t pour from an empty cup.\u201d Put more simply: you can\u2019t give what you don\u2019t have. An abusive relationship takes its toll on you physically and emotionally. It can leave you emotionally drained, trusting no one, and wondering if a healthy relationship is even possible. Your cup is empty.<\/p>\n

Leaving was the first step. Next is healing the emotional wounds and learning what a healthy relationship looks like. When the trauma is left unresolved, it can leave you vulnerable to repeating the past. Seeing a therapist who specializes in relationship trauma<\/a> can help you understand what happened and how to heal in healthy ways. You\u2019ll have the emotional capacity and skills to move forward confidently.<\/p>\n

2: Give Yourself Time<\/h3>\n

Taking time for yourself can be lonely, and the temptation to jump right back into the dating pool might be overwhelming. Of course, we all want companionship, but what are you jumping into? We, as humans, tend to gravitate to what we know because familiarity feels comfortable \u2026 but what\u2019s familiar isn\u2019t always what\u2019s best for us. It\u2019s important to give yourself time to heal, grow, and learn.<\/p>\n

One of the ways you can make your time count is by focusing on deepening your self-love<\/a> so that you’re less likely to seek that energy from someone else. When you create your own happiness, you can move forward from a healthier space, armed with the skills you need to build a relationship that feels safe, loving, and supportive.<\/p>\n

3: Forgive Yourself<\/h3>\n

Forgiveness is one of those words that carries a lot of weight \u2013 sometimes, we get caught up because we misconstrue forgiveness as accepting that what happened was somehow justified or okay. But forgiveness is actually a powerful way to help you heal and move on: it has nothing to do with your ex and everything to do with you.<\/p>\n

Forgiveness means letting go of the pain of the past and compassionately giving yourself permission to be happy \u2013 it’s a process focused on you and your healing, and it doesn\u2019t need to involve anyone else. You\u2019ve been through a lot and it\u2019s natural to feel shame or blame yourself for not seeing the red flags and staying in an abusive situation. But just because this feeling is natural doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s true.<\/p>\n

We can\u2019t always see the signs of an abusive relationship, and we may not know how to get out or even have the immediate ability to leave. Self-compassion can help you see the situation objectively and understand the patterns you need to break. Not surprisingly, people who practice self-compassion<\/a> cultivate healthier relationships. Counseling can help you through this process.<\/p>\n

4: Decide What You Want in A Relationship<\/h3>\n

Coming out of an unhealthy relationship, you know what you don\u2019t want. You\u2019ve been there, done that, and don\u2019t repeat the same mistakes. The list of what you\u2019re not looking for is probably pretty long.<\/p>\n

But deciding what you do<\/strong><\/em> want can be harder. It\u2019s a question you\u2019ve maybe never asked before: just what do you want in a relationship? Knowing what a healthy relationship looks like for you<\/em> will help you be able to recognize it more easily and spot the red flags before you get in too deep.<\/p>\n

Spend some time brainstorming or journaling, exploring your thoughts about what a healthy relationship might look like. What has to be there for you to feel comfortable and safe? While everyone\u2019s needs will differ, you can probably find a few at the top of the list, like trust, honesty, and respect. But it doesn\u2019t end there. Were there other specific things in your last relationship that you won\u2019t tolerate again? What does it look like if you imagine the opposite of those behaviors?<\/p>\n

5: Take Baby Steps<\/h3>\n

In the beginning, everything and everyone looks shiny and new. It feels good to connect in a healthy way, and we want to lean into that feeling. The problem is, going from \u201cnice to meet you\u201d to \u201cI love you\u201d at light speed is risky; all that glitter and excitement can act like rose-colored glasses and make it difficult to see the truth.<\/p>\n

So what\u2019s the right speed? There isn\u2019t a simple answer here: you have to take off those rose-colored glasses to really evaluate how the relationship is progressing. Slow down and try to notice the small details and nuances that show who your potential partner is over time<\/em>. Move too fast, and you\u2019ll get swept up in the magic of a new beginning, missing the honesty that comes with staying rooted in reality.<\/p>\n

6: Know the Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship<\/h3>\n

When you\u2019re smitten with a new partner, everything looks perfect, doesn\u2019t it? It\u2019s easy to miss red flags when you\u2019re focused on all the shiny things.<\/p>\n

Your new love interest might not be a carbon copy of your ex, which can be a relief! But unfortunately, there are many ways to be a toxic partner. That\u2019s why you have to slow down and see things as they are, not what you want them to be.<\/p>\n

At the beginning of a new relationship, you might feel worried that you\u2019ll miss the signs. Familiarizing yourself with relationship red flags<\/a> can help. Here are some behaviors you\u2019ll want to steer clear of:<\/p>\n