{"id":34571,"date":"2022-09-02T00:00:46","date_gmt":"2022-09-02T06:00:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/apn.com\/dfw\/?p=34571"},"modified":"2022-09-27T09:55:31","modified_gmt":"2022-09-27T15:55:31","slug":"how-to-deal-with-recurring-grief","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/apn.com\/dfw\/resources\/how-to-deal-with-recurring-grief\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Deal With Recurring Grief"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><em>by Tommy Carreras<\/em><\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s been two years. You\u2019ve been in a support group, gone to counseling, and you thought you were past it. But then, on a seemingly harmless Tuesday afternoon, the pain of recurring grief washes over you with full force.<\/p>\n<p>Somehow, it still hurts that they\u2019re gone.<\/p>\n<p>Grief is a universal pain, and it comes for all of us. And it\u2019s not reserved for the death of a loved one, either; we all experience deep disappointment or painful loss that leaves us wounded or rudderless.<\/p>\n<p>But what happens when that same grief comes back again and again, never seeming to run its course?<\/p>\n<h2>First of all, recurring grief is not the same grief as before: it\u2019s new each time.<\/h2>\n<p>Clinical Psychologist Mary-Frances O\u2019Connor, author of <em>The Grieving Brain<\/em>, says that grieving is actually a form of learning. You didn\u2019t just lose a friend, parent, or mentor \u2013 you lost a waypoint: something or someone that helped you understand the world, yourself, and your value. Grieving is a process of learning what those things look like without the waypoint that was previously guiding you.<\/p>\n<p>O\u2019Connor says, &#8220;The background is running all the time for people who are grieving, thinking about new habits and how they interact now.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>That being said, when recurring grief seems to \u201cstrike again,\u201d first compassionately remind yourself: \u201c<strong>This is something new I must need to learn.<\/strong>\u201d Each day is some kind of first in this new world touched by loss:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>The first holiday season without them<\/li>\n<li>The first summer away from your hometown<\/li>\n<li>The first major milestone without their support<\/li>\n<li>Even the first anniversary of your loss<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Each experience is something new to navigate, a place or situation you&#8217;ve never been in without whatever or whomever you lost. When we look at things this way, it helps us see that recurring grief is completely valid! It&#8217;s not a failure or weakness \u2013 it&#8217;s the natural human response to loss.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p>When we don&#8217;t validate recurring grief, it turns into something harmful.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>Grief is a painful and unnerving experience. We can experience a whole range of emotions like deep sadness, anxiety, panic, yearning, and even fear. Clinical and Forensic Psychologist Samantha Smithstein says, \u201cGrief is also about becoming untethered. It\u2019s about losing an identity. Losing a map and compass all at once \u2013 a way to orient our life. Our love. This untethering is not only disorienting, it can be terrifying.\u201d\u00b9<\/p>\n<p><strong>This is why we so often avoid recurring grief, squash it, or devalue it. And that is a very dangerous choice.<\/strong> Strong negative emotions are not \u201cproblems to be solved.\u201d We can\u2019t avoid them and expect them to politely leave us alone since we asked nicely. Quite the opposite, in fact.<\/p>\n<p>Suppressing or denying grief will actually make it more painful when it comes back around later. The pain of loss is a signal that you have a real need that must be met \u2013 it\u2019s not a nuisance that you can quickly shrug off so you can get back to your life.<\/p>\n<p>Unfortunately, many common strategies for emotional regulation, both healthy and unhealthy, only intend to dissipate the intensity of the emotion \u2013 not address the real need it\u2019s signaling. And because they are effective, but only in the short term, they can create a dependency in the brain that does damage long term.<\/p>\n<p>Here are some stimuli we can overuse or misuse to distract us from recurring grief:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Sugar, simple carbs, and processed food<\/li>\n<li>Alcohol, marijuana, and other drugs<\/li>\n<li>Entertainment, ever-present noise, and social media<\/li>\n<li>Adventures, exercise, and general busyness<\/li>\n<li>Work, volunteering, and constant motion<\/li>\n<li>Gossip, obsessions, and negativity<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Not all of these inputs are bad \u2013 many can be good for us in the proper doses when we use them for the right reasons! But when they\u2019re strategies aimed at dispelling the <em>feeling<\/em> of grief, then they\u2019re just getting in our way.<\/p>\n<h2>Instead of managing the emotion of recurring grief, you need to lean into it.<\/h2>\n<p>Start by accepting that the recurring grief you\u2019re feeling is normal, valid, and actually important. It\u2019s not a nuisance, a sign of weakness, or a failing of some kind.<\/p>\n<p>Try to fully articulate what you\u2019re experiencing and feeling by writing it down, recording a voice memo, or talking it through with a counselor or close friend.<\/p>\n<p>Bren\u00e9 Brown, in her book <em>Atlas of the Heart<\/em>, says, \u201cIt\u2019s language that helps us name an experience &#8211; and that doesn\u2019t give the experience more power \u2013 it gives US the power of understanding and meaning.\u201d<\/p>\n<h2>Once you\u2019ve leaned into recurring grief, identify what you need.<\/h2>\n<p>Loss is a fact, not a feeling. You\u2019re only <em>feeling<\/em> grief because you lost something you counted on, something that helped define who you were.<\/p>\n<p>It was a real need that might now be going painfully unmet. New situations where grief wells up unexpectedly should signal that we\u2019ve encountered a need that we haven\u2019t yet learned how to meet in a new way.<\/p>\n<p>You didn\u2019t just lose your mom \u2013 you lost <em>someone who loved you unconditionally.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>You didn\u2019t just lose your relationship \u2013 you lost <em>a clear pathway for your future.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>You didn\u2019t just lose your job \u2013 you lost <em>security, purpose, or structure.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>This is why leaning into the pain of recurring grief actually helps us find freedom \u2013 it puts us back in the driver\u2019s seat of our lives and shows us what we need to move forward effectively. Identify the need that is going unmet, and then you can make a plan to restore what you lost in a new way.<\/p>\n<h2>Before moving forward, remember that recurring grief demands a witness.<\/h2>\n<p>David Kessler, who co-authored two seminal works on grief (<em>On Grief and Grieving<\/em> &amp; <em>Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief<\/em>), says, \u201cEach person&#8217;s grief is as unique as their fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed. That doesn&#8217;t mean needing someone to try to lessen it or reframe it for them. The need is for someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>To fully process moments of grief and move forward into the future, we must choose to be courageously vulnerable with people we trust.<\/p>\n<p>Find someone who will be ready to hold space for you, and intentionally ask them to listen. Not fix, not counsel, not advise, and not bright side: just listen. Tell them about what you felt, what you identified, and what you intend to do about meeting the need you discovered.<\/p>\n<p>This exercise isn\u2019t just good for you \u2013 it\u2019s good for them, and your relationship. Grief is universal, and it\u2019s one of the most powerful ways that we can connect on a deep level. We can make our grief mean something more when we embrace the comfort of those who stand as witnesses to our pain.<\/p>\n<h2>REFERENCE<\/h2>\n<p>Stein, Samantha. \u201cGrief and Fear.\u201d <em>Psychology Today<\/em>, Sussex Publishers, 26 Sept. 2015, https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/blog\/what-the-wild-things-are\/201509\/grief-and-fear.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>by Tommy Carreras It\u2019s been two years. You\u2019ve been in a support group, gone to counseling, and you thought you were past it. But then, on a seemingly harmless Tuesday afternoon, the pain of recurring grief washes over you with full force. Somehow, it still hurts that they\u2019re gone. Grief is a universal pain, and [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[2,313,309,319],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-34571","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-resources","category-family","category-mental-health","category-relationships"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/apn.com\/dfw\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34571","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/apn.com\/dfw\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/apn.com\/dfw\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/apn.com\/dfw\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/apn.com\/dfw\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=34571"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/apn.com\/dfw\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34571\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/apn.com\/dfw\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=34571"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/apn.com\/dfw\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=34571"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/apn.com\/dfw\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=34571"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}