{"id":27459,"date":"2021-11-26T00:00:05","date_gmt":"2021-11-26T00:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/apn.com\/dfw\/?p=27459"},"modified":"2022-05-25T15:38:47","modified_gmt":"2022-05-25T21:38:47","slug":"how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-your-past","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/apn.com\/dfw\/resources\/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-your-past\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Talk to Your Kids About Your Past"},"content":{"rendered":"

I want my kids to know about my past, but …<\/em><\/p>\n

If you are a parent recovering from a difficult or traumatic past, you\u2019ve probably had this thought countless times. One of the most challenging parts of being a parent in recovery is practicing mindful parenting<\/a> and knowing what to say to your kids about your past. They may have seen you struggle at times; they may have heard bits and pieces along the way. They might even be asking questions.<\/p>\n

What should you tell them? How much should you tell them? Should you even tell them at all? These are real issues that every parent has to wrestle with.<\/p>\n

Addressing Your Past<\/h2>\n

Before we talk about your kids, let\u2019s talk about you. Whether you\u2019re in recovery or trying to start treatment, you\u2019ve arrived at a place of change, and that should be celebrated and honored. You are doing your best to heal and parent your children in healthy ways.<\/p>\n

At some point, you may find yourself faced with questions from your children. How do you decide what to share? Is total honesty and transparency always the best policy? How much is too much?<\/p>\n

These are important questions to consider. Conversations with your children can be healing and strengthen your bond. Before you open up to them, it\u2019s essential to understand how trauma can affect the parent-child relationship and your readiness to share.<\/p>\n

Before You Have \u201cThe Talk\u201d<\/h2>\n

Trauma, once experienced, will forever be a part of your truth. Trauma doesn\u2019t change who you are, but it becomes a part of your life experience like any significant life event. Treatment doesn\u2019t make trauma \u201cgo away,\u201d instead, it helps you to reach a place where your trauma no longer dominates your life. As you heal, you cultivate an awareness that allows you to make decisions from a position of strength and wellness.<\/p>\n

Before you share your trauma history with your kids, you must be emotionally ready to do so. Your kids will probably ask a lot of hard questions, and those questions may stir some deep emotions. Before you proceed, you may find it helpful to have a coping plan in place in case difficult feelings emerge.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s also important to consider why you\u2019ve decided to share. Are you sharing now because it\u2019s in the best interest of your children, or is it to ease your own distress? The difference matters. When deciding when or if to share, it\u2019s vital to ensure that parent-child boundaries are maintained.<\/p>\n

Preparing to Talk to Your Kids About Your Past<\/h2>\n

Sharing to alleviate your own distress can place children in the role of confidante. Over time, this type of sharing can shift the parent-child dynamic, and children may take on roles similar to that of a \u201cfriend\u201d or \u201ctherapist\u201d through a process known as parentification\u00b9. In short, they take on mature roles that they are not mentally or emotionally prepared for.<\/p>\n

Parentification can have long-term effects on a child well into adulthood and is associated with anxiety, depression, and substance abuse. This doesn\u2019t mean that you should never share your past with your children. On the contrary, authenticity is essential for both your children\u2019s well-being and your own well-being.<\/p>\n

The most important factor is how<\/em> you share information.<\/p>\n

Deciding What to Share<\/h2>\n

Before you sit down with your kids, think about precisely what you want to share. When the time comes, emotions will probably be running high, and you may struggle to organize your thoughts. A helpful practice is to spend some time in advance to think about where you want to set your boundaries for sharing. Ask yourself:<\/p>\n